Beauty and Rage

Chapter | 1

"I would take a bullet for you." You had told me that once.

"You're my world." You'd said.

"You're the best girlfriend I've ever had."

"The prettiest girl I've ever dated."

"I've never cheated on any girl before. I pride myself in that."

My heart feels so cold now. Your lies make me laugh. You truly believed yourself. I guess that's what narcissists do. Convince themselves they weren't the problem. You're lying to yourself about me.

Was I really crazy?

Or were you lying to my face as I gave you every fucking thing I had to offer.

Eventually, I realized you didn't care how I felt at all.

I was constantly left waiting on you. Hours late, no explanation. My own mental illness made it easy to have blind trust in you.

I've gotten help. I'm dealing with my own issues to this day. Years later. Always trying to be better and do better. I've learned I have borderline personality disorder.

My childhood was worse than I realized. Saying things aloud to a stranger made me see how fucked up people have been to me my entire life. I had to become cold like you. I understand you better now.

You couldn't accept a healthy love. Couldn't accept that I was loyal. You thought it was all too good to be true. We've both been through a lot, the difference is I was willing to work through our issues.

You abandoned me. Choosing other woman constantly, but keeping me close.

I will never be you. Self sabotaging the blessings the universe has graced me with because I'm afraid.

You need to realize, there's nothing life can do to you you haven't already felt. You're smart and calculated like me. But you're wasted potential.

You don't reach for help when you need it. Ultra Independence is a trauma response. I deal with it myself. But life got so lonely for a very long time. This life is worth nothing without love.

Which is why I do not regret meeting you. I thought I did for a long time, because all I could feel was rage. Indescribable anger that consumed me for so long. Feeling constantly used. Taken advantage of.

You treated me like I was stupid.

I had just ignored the signs because I loved you. More than I had ever loved anyone.

You took my kindness for weakness until I got tired of accepting the bare minimum.

You couldn't be bothered to remember the little things. I never even asked you for anything. All I wanted was genuine unconditional love.

I showed you how that felt for the first time.

Now you can have higher standards.

I would have given you anything. The memories we made will forever haunt me. I still hear your voice in my mind sometimes, but the things you said weren't always nice.

I had to write a list- of all the times you made me feel unworthy or just hurt me. It was so long it made me sick. But I was able to let you go finally.

You showed me that I have to set boundaries. I have to be firm.

You made it harder to trust. When I had none before you.

Harder to love, when I hadn't even wanted a relationship.

I lost myself in us.

It took me months to feel whole again.

I am not ashamed but I am not proud of the ways I chose to feel anything while I was healing. The pain was unbearable.

Giving you my all. Being disrespected and disregarded like I wasn't trying my best to be the best for you.

I couldn't sleep at night for months. Alone in my bed as silent sobs racked through my body. I had never been so angry and heartbroken.

I am endlessly resilient though and I will never do what you did to me - to anyone. I don't wish that pain on anyone. I don't wish that loneliness. That rage.

It does things to you. Makes you question your self worth. Why wasn't my best good enough?

Makes you want to die.

And I was so close. So many times. To doing something permanent.

I just didn't want to exist.

But through pain comes growth.

I don't even recognize the me you met in the beginning.

The me who couldn't meet your eyes without blushing. The one who couldn't speak her feelings in fear of hurting yours. The one who would let you gaslight her into believing there was something wrong with her. The one you pushed into a psychotic episode. The only you told "did you settle down because you're gaining weight?". The one who then dropped 60 pounds.

Only for you to tell her she looked better before.

I'm trying to heal, so I don't bleed on those who didn't cut me.

You won't even acknowledge the things you've done.

That's the first step.