Emotions

Tears

When i was younger I would have a difficulty crying. I started by suppressing emotions and not allowing myself to cry at all until I wouldn't cry no matter how sad something was and i thought i was broken or weird until... I couldn't control it anymore and wouldn't be able to keep it cool when i needed to. And that's when people start to see me as weak. My grandma always said: crying is a weakness and you have to keep strong but I couldn't do that anymore.

Some years after all that happened was that I would cry and get so angry, id feel so pathetic. I'd hide in my room and cry all the time. Then id come to school to my friends and be the happiest person ever. Always hiding behind my smile was easy until I broke down in front of someone.

Now I couldnt talk about very deep stuff because then id cry without hesitation or control and, compared to the past, now it was true: people started thinking of me as weak. The more i grew older and id be vulnerable in front of people the more id realize they'd judge me as a weak person, even though they didn't mean to, often times, but they did unconsciously. They'd even treat me differently. So i stopped doing so. My last attempt of being vulnerable with someone ended with me being told i was too sensitive and a person betraying my trust and using my weakness of me being too self conscious against me so i now i keep it to myself.

Now i think of my tears as some pain that should be bottled up until i allow myself to let it all go.

And so today i did just that, sad music, and i let myself be sad. I let myself be sad about a past relationship I didn't want to ever be sad about because i thought that if i let myself be sad then id be weak and go back to that toxic person. But that also meant that i started to consume myself again and so today i listened to forgive myself by Sam Smith and i did just that. I forgave myself. I let myself be vulnerable alone. I let myself feel what I had suppressed even the things that had happened a long time ago.

I realized crying also made me stronger but I couldn't abuse that power either.
I passed a physical resistance test in my sports class by imagining all of the saddest and most hurtful things in my life. Until i was about to burst in pain and i just stopped and said i was tired but, in all honesty, all i could see was black vision mixed with tears. After that I suppressed my emotions once again but today, just today i will let myself feel everything and anything.

Today I didn't feel sad or like crying. I just wanted to cry, i had an urge to let emotions out, even though I ain't thinking of sad things.
And then with this song it just all came out and I remembered everything.
I remember the words of my grandma, i remembered the night i screamed and cried when my other grandma died.
I remember the hurtful words people said to me when i was being bullied. I remembered. My bullies ands asked myself... why me? And i let myself be consumed by thoughts.
I allowed myself to remember when people said things about a weight gain.
I allowed myself to remember when i stopped eating and felt so hungry yet so beautiful with my starving reflection.
I allowed myself to look back at my childhood self and tell her she'll be ok and that she shouldn't grow up and be so strong so young, i told her:
"You've grown so much. You're so strong and i know you are able to take care of yourself, I've seen it. But let me hug you and cherish you just as you deserved, just as you needed."
I allowed myself feel the pain of a break up I didn't want to feel. I told myself that it was ok to miss someone and to feel pain for someone and its also ok to be strong and not cry anymore for them but first allow yourself to feel. Then allow yourself to let go.
I also remembered the times my mom wasn't there and i had to be strong by myself or the times i had to take care of a drunken dad.

Dear younger me, I'm so freaking proud of you.

Dear younger me, i still cry of the times we hit the wall, pinched our skin wanted the excess to dissolve away.
Dear younger me, i know you have commitment issues and still do, it ok take your time to heal.
Dear younger me, we are still self conscious of so manny things, we still hate school, and we still sometimes get bothered like when we were bullied before but now we kind of just feel the pain, flinch at the painful memories that come back to our brain and ignore the awfulness until its gone.

Dear me, take your time, let yourself feel it when you're most comfortable and remember to not yourself while doing so just let it escape from your hands, you wont loose control, you'll just become stronger, braver and fiercer.

Cry, be sad and enjoy the emotions because you couldn't before.