Emotions

Rage

That feeling of being so mad you hit the wall so hard your hand hurts but you feel like it isn't enough and so you do it again and again, you start building up this horrific anger emotion until your mind changes the story and tells you it was your fault.
You aren't suicidal but you start thinking life could be better without you so you start trying to make yourself smaller.
You now look back and laugh but at that moment all you wanted to do was hide, and so you did. You would find the tinniest spaces in your house and hide with a small light or candle. It felt so nice being able to hide and not be a burden to anybody.

Every time you'd get angry you'd either not be taken serious by someone or started to cry out of the rage making you look much more pathetic.
To be honest once you're angry you'd just get angrier and angrier and it all came back to you, whatever it was, even if it wasn't your fault, that anger feeling would always be because of you somehow.
You have anger issues.
Once you're angry you cant stop being angry.
When you're angry you can be cruel, not enough to hurt someone else, but enough to hurt yourself badly until you're a limb in the floor not being able to move because you're drained.

Let me tell you that its ok to be angry, it ok to be as angry as you are.
Its ok if sometimes people say you take things too personally.
Its ok if you've become cautious and suspect of everyone around you after being hurt multiple times.
Its ok if a part of yourself is angry and mean as a mechanism of defense.
Its ok to punch a wall and cry after wards.
Its ok if you've punched, pinched or hurt yourself in the past because you were angry with yourself. Its ok to feel all that and feel bad about having done that. Its ok if it happened again, why? Well, because... now that you acknowledge what you do and you acknowledge all this feelings then you are a step closer to being able to let go and not be controlled by them anymore.

Its perfectly fine if you're angry at someone and still don't want to forgive them because of what they've done to you. Its ok if you're still angry at someone that you were angry at years ago.

Its so ok to also have changed your anger to fear. Its ok that, that person you once hated and made you so angry and rage now scares you. Its ok if instead of being angry again, at that person, you get nervous, anxious, you start to shake and feel fear.
Its ok if someday you explode and burst out in rage or fear.
Its ok if you cry of anger.

To be honest, younger me, if you didn't have that little "bratty" behavior and you weren't as angry as you were... idk where we'd be. Idk if we'd be able to pass through everything we did without our anger. Was it totally correct... no. But it helped us survive, and now were here, facing the world without as much anger or sadness, we still feel fear, we arte still somewhat angry and sad but we have slowly learned to take our time healing. I wont lie and say wee are "fixed" and changed our ways completely but i will say that I'm proud of you. Proud of how much you've evolved, learned and let yourself feel, unlike before.

Dear younger and future me, remember anger will protect you with just as much force as it can destroy you so keep it slow, take your time and go through everything that is happening or happened with a much more calm and optimistic view. And for those days were you weren't able to: start over, read this again, let yourself be loose to the feeling, and forgive yourself and others when you are able to, when you feel able to.