3.0 The Chronicles of Us - Choas & Clarity

Chapter five

•★ Tex ★•

I've been staring at my laptop for hours. Typing down words, only to delete them again. I need to write another poem, but I'm running out of words. How many times can you rhyme the word love without sounding repetitive? It's imperative that I don't fall into repetition. I can't give her the idea that I'm slacking but—fuck—my mind is blank.

I need a new plan. Morning has already passed and I haven't sent her a message yet. I should've sent some emojis or something. She's probably expecting something big now.

I need to deliver!

What else can I do to prove how much I love her? I stare at my screen a little more and then it hits me. Yes, of course! Music. I'll send her a list of songs that remind me of her. Songs that speak about the greatness of love.

Songs about forgiveness? No, that will tick her off. To be honest, I don't know that many love songs, but I will search the whole damn internet and send her each and every one.

I create a new playlist and start filling it. I know it won't matter. I fucked up in the absolute worst way. She's not going to forgive me. Still, I have to try. I can't sit back and let her go without a fight.

Maybe she would've forgiven me if we were some dull couple who only stayed together because they got used to the routine. That's not us, though. What we had—have! is real. It's the kind of connection people write about in books. It's that once in a lifetime kind of love that most people don't even get to experience.

After sending her a link to the playlist, I decide to stretch my legs and peek through the blinds to see if the sun is still mocking me. It is, of course. The big yellow fucker shines brightly like it's a goddamn beautiful day, which it isn't. The last fourteen days have been nothing but absolutely horrible. I've never felt so cold and alone. Not even after my near death experience a few years ago did I feel this way. No, this time our separation is different. Sure, I loved her then like I love her now, but this time we have a whole life built together. One that I completely wrecked.

I sigh for the millionth time and pinch the bridge of my nose. It's not over. Not yet. The fact that I haven't received any divorce papers yet keeps me going. Desperately trying to hold on to that slimmer of hope, I move myself to the kitchen to get some water. I do my best to ignore the broken glass on the floor and the destroyed bouquet of roses. I should clean it up, but I can barely even look at it. Every time I do, I feel this gutting sting rip through my chest and stomach.

How the fuck am I still breathing?

The doorbell rings and my battered heart jumps. Did she come back? Did my texts convince her? I rush to the door and sigh with utter disappointment when I see it's Frank.

"Can I come in?"

I nod and open the door further. He follows me to the living room. He came by once before, but I was still too fucking angry with him for keeping her from me. The bruise underneath my eye from the punch he delivered has faded from purplish-black to yellow. It took me a while to see that he was actually helping me out. I was definitely out of my mind that day. I came to their apartment with the sole intention of swinging Ellie over my shoulder to take her home. I would only have made things worse, but I was so fucking desperate.

I still am.

"What are you doing here?" I ask when we both sit down on the couch.

He looks around the room and then at me. "This place is a mess and you look like shit."

"Thanks, Captain Obvious."

I scroll through the music app to find some more suitable songs. I'm not gonna waste my time with redundant conversation. Like I don't fucking know that I look terrible. I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning and quickly looked away. I've barely slept, I have visited the shower maybe twice and I have no idea when I last changed my outfit.