Invictus (Cyberpunk2077)

Mikoshi

Mikoshi.

It's not what you would expect.

It's empty here, but it's comfortable....

Like I'm floating in lukewarm water. The lack of any sensory stimulation can be terrifying....but if you give into it...time flows imperceptibly and it's almost peaceful.

I can see a door, amongst the blinding nothingness of my new world. Sometimes there's even a room to go with it. But usually it's just a door.

I try not to look at it. It's better to stare at the infinite empty. And forget, and be nothing, and be endless.
But I can't help looking every now and then, becoming myself again and expecting a knock at the door.

Knock.

I barely register the sound, staring into the nothing but I feel panic rising and it's so sharp and suffocating I'm brought back and face the door.

Knock.

'Who- how....' I feel like running, but how can I here, I'm- I'm trapped and the knocking is getting louder.

Knock.

It's more like a booming bang now, I sense hands clutching at a face, clenching eyes and tears stinging. Before I start screaming I decide to rush forward and open the door. That face...my legs refuse to hold me, and I drop to my knees.

'Johnny...' I sob, looking up at his unimpressed face.

'So V, nice digs. Not how I left it but- we're very different people...aren't we.' He drawls, he sounds crisp and close, clear and disgusted. He looks the same, and he saunters into a physical room, walking past my figure pathetically kneeling on the ground. I watch him walk by and take a few crawling movements toward him.

'Johnny.... Please...tell me you won't leave again.' I beg.

Johnny turns to me, arms crossed and hips and head swinging with that same lazy cadence he never lost. Like he doesn't have any care in the world. But we both knew better, didn't we, Johnny? A weight like that, isn't easily concealed, it comes out in different ways. Your short temper, your impatience, how you hated caring about me. I knew you, stranger; and you were mine.

'You'd think so, wouldn't you.' Johny walks over to me, responding to words unsaid. He crouches to look me in the eyes, 'You know I can't make that promise, V.' he sounds bored. But hidden in his voice is sadness, why is he trying so hard to hide it?

'Why? Why not, Johnny?'

'You know why, V.'

I do know why, but I ask from the pathetic hope that maybe the answer will finally change. I clench my fists against my thighs as I kneel before my demon, 'Yes I loved you Johnny but I loved me more! Is that so evil!? Why do you torture me over choosing myself. Why can't you let it go!?' I'm scream.

'It's not me that can't let it go, V.' Johnny takes off his glasses, finally letting me see his eyes. He stares down at the floor, his eyes are grey and distant, 'I told you...you'd regret this. That you'd have to fight for your soul.'

I grimace, 'Well I did. I chose to save me.' slowly I pick myself up, 'We don't all wanna save the world Johnny. I was all the world I needed.'

Johnny scoffs at that, a bitter smile on his face, 'Keep telling yourself that. You and every single spineless thug in Nightcity. Too frightened to care about anything else but themselves.'

I reel at that, I resent it....my face twisting into grief and insult, 'Spineless? Look at where I am, Johnny? You think just anyone could have gotten themselves this far?'

'With enough disregard for life? Yes, anyone.'

'I treasure life. More than you, terrorist.' I spit at Johnny's feet as I shoot the insult at him.

Johnny looks away from, pacing farther away from the door.

'Why am I here, V?' Johnny asks, ignoring my jabs.

My eyes go wide in astonishment, the last thing I wanted to think.

My voice cracks, mouth suddenly dry as I swallow hard, 'Because I- I-' my fists fall limply to my sides, 'I needed to see you again.'

'Needed me to knock some sense into you one more time?' Johnny runs a hand through his stark black hair, chuckling bitterly, 'I can't save you this time, V. I told you as much.'

'You died a long time ago Johnny!' I spew hatefully, standing before him now, 'You were dead for a long long time Johnny, I was- I belonged here. You resent me for not wanting to give myself up for you?'

Johnny pinches the bridge of his nose, 'You're here aren't you!?' he screams right back, 'Did I stop you? No, I didn't. I just thought-'

Johnny groans, 'God damn it, V. You really gonna make me say it?'

I stand there, dumbstruck and devoid of words, staring at him with hate in my eyes.

Johnny's eyes soften against mine, not buckling underneath their seething heat.

'I thought- we cared about each other. That after everything...it was about...us.' Johnny swallows hard, his throat bobbing as he does so. He can't seem to bring himself to meet my eyes, either out of shame or bashfulness I couldn't pinpoint.

My jaw drops at his confession, he looks pained, one arm wrapped consolingly over himself, rubbing his shoulder absentmindedly.

This stings, this hurts more than outright being called a traitor. To see him like this. This isn't Johnny Silverhand. This is- someone I've genuinely let down. Despite all the hypocritical bullshit that got in between us...there was...something otherworldly that bound us together. Beyond science and reason...and I....

'I-I...' I stutter, eyes stinging and lost completely for words, 'I didn't...think you actually felt that way....'

Johnny's eyes harden slightly, staring at me from beneath his dark lashes, 'What did you think I meant? When I gave you those...' Johnny points at dog tags I didn't know I was wearing, 'You think I did that to disarm you?'

I- I....I must have...forgot....or didn't want to know. To remember.

Johnny smiles bitterly, scoffing inwardly, 'Guess I fried your brain worse than I meant to. You lost it, V. Lost it to fear.' Johnny takes a few tentative steps toward me, I stare up at him with glossy eyes, "I'm sorry, V. I couldn't do enough.' his strong hand lands on my shoulder, it's warm and comforting and oh so loud in contrast to the cold. He lingers there for a moment, his eyes darting around my face, then to the dog tags around my neck. His expression flashes in a tight grimace, 'This is it, V.' He breathes.

Before I can ask what he means, his eyes leave mine, and he walks out the door.

I crumple in on myself, the room falling away back to the suffocating white, my tears flowing in front of me, floating globules undulating and drifting off into infinity. All regret, all memories, I have to give in to the nothing.

Otherwise I'll go insane....

If I can't be two, I'll simply become nothing.

Whatever it takes, I'll see this through.