Invictus (Cyberpunk2077)

Invictus

My first night in this place, I was disgusted at how hollow I felt, how empty I was. Like a cold wind was blowing straight through my chest. But hearing that asshole's voice, being knocked out of my sleep by his rough calls....
God dammit it filled me with so much relief.
I couldn't believe he was still here, so even though I was shaking....I got up, my legs urgin' me to run towards his voice....but the door to him opened up into nothingness, empty space except for the cold indifference of distant stars.

Is that what I did to him? Is this what I did to you Johnny? I called and you answered but when you finally opened the door...vacuum...empty space...indifference.

I wonder, do you really hate me now? Did I disappoint you? Are you ashamed of me..?

I hate having these questions. I hate thinking about you and wondering and not just knowing.

Standing in the doorway I feel like I'm being pulled forward, I don't fight it. I don't fight.... I feel myself tip and fall into the vastness of space. I don't try to catch myself and I almost feel happy. Even if you won't be there...it's like I'd be alone with you still....

But the artificial light comes and blinds me as I wake up, I almost forget I'm stuck in this space station, I almost believe it's the sun burning my skin. But it's just cold air, bright lights, and absence. The only thing still there are the stars, the ones caught in the frame of my window stare at me spitefully, I sense their distaste. Are they your hundred eyes, Johnny? You did always joke about being my guardian angel.

I see the same doctor everyday, and she asks me the same questions everyday.
'Answer with the first thing that comes to your head', she says. 'Don't overthink it', she tells me. And I do as she says, I answer without thinking....almost without meaning to. And it's always your name.

Life

Johnny.

Future

Johnny.

Myself

Johnny.

I answer as if you'll hear me, like you're the one I'm talkin' to. I need you Johnny. I hardly ever speak...what's the point when I'm mostly alone...but when I have to say something it's only ever your name...you hear me, don't you?

Then I just sleep...for hours, maybe days.

The doctors won't tell me but I think something's wrong...I'm not whole again, I think I'm more broken now than I was before. I'm shattered now but without you to fill in the blanks...I feel like I'm going insane. Why the fuck aren't I whole again? Without you why do I feel stretched and pulled to infinity, like I lost a buffer and now everything is too much. Heat on already burned skin. You're not me, but then why is there a piece of me missing?

You're finally gone and yet everything is you, everything screams your name louder.

Johnny...they leave the news on while I'm in here. The world they show on the screen is not one I recognize. It's horrifying...so horrifying that my first night here I spent it mostly crying...and it was all because of what I'd seen on tv....
I saw Saburo Arasaka...his voice coming out of his son's body, wearing it like a jumpsuit of skin and blood. His own son, Johnny...his son's very soul squelched within his body, to the point he didn't exist anymore.
Saburo pushed his son's soul out of its body to make room for himself.
His son was just- meat, meat to inhabit. He was no longer a life, no hopes, no dreams, nothing.
I wanted to throw up...it scared me so badly, to see it in full effect. Is that really what was going to happen to us? I find it hard to believe still....
For some reason, while I watched I imagined a demon slipping into a person's body without them even knowing, like in those ancient movies.... One day you make the mistake of speaking a forbiddden name, or disturbing the dead, and just...unwittingly enter an unwinnable battle between good and evil. The people in those movies never stand a chance against the devil's agenda. Their bodies become forfeit, free rein in the war between good and evil. One wrong move and suddenly...someone else's eyes are looking through your skull.
Not sure where that human soul goes when they're being piloted by a demon, but either way you're not there anymore. That's what Yorinobu's body looks like now. It's weird but it looks like if you were to peer into his eyes, you'd see the demon inside him. As if there were a room inside him where Saburo now lives. Not a soul in it's skin, but an intruder settling into the dark unchecked corners of an abandoned home.
Is that what we were? Why does it not feel that way? I mean- why did it not feel that way.
That's what possession is, right? If God and Satan weren't real before, they are now. And we created them. I- I created.... I'm so sorry Johnny. The chip is gone and yet you haunt me worse than ever before. Like a ticking clock beneath blood stained floorboards.
Have you read that story, Johnny?