Burn to ash

Chapter 6

"Are you okay?" Liam quietly asks Louis. They're taking several cars from the Modest offices to the TV studio where the interview is taking place. In the parking lot, Liam had steered Louis and himself to one vehicle and glared at the rest of the group, who got the memo dispersed themselves to the other cars. Before he even climbs into the dark car, Louis knows that he's in for a lecture.

He also knows he kind of deserves it. He hasn't been able to sit still all morning, fidgeting horribly and jiggling his leg impatiently in the meeting and barely paying any attention to what the fuckers say. It's really all just riffs on the same theme, anyway. They're all supposed to be happy that Harry is back. The only highlight is that Harry doesn't confess anything about coming out and Louis is almost amused at this. It's going to be hilarious watching everyone scramble when the shit hits the fan.

"Fine," Louis bites off, because he's a little pissed, still. More like really pissed in general, but a little bit pissed that the other lads ganged up on him when he was at his most vulnerable and got him to agree to sing the songs that he swore up until yesterday that he would never, ever perform again. It feels unfair and mean and kind of cruel, and while Louis doesn't know if Harry is those things still, he knows that Niall and Liam and Zayn aren't. So why they did it is kind of beyond him and it's all he's been able to think about since he woke up this morning.

"You're not fine," Liam says again, so reasonable that Louis kind of wants to punch him in the face. Of course he's not fucking fine. He's never going to be fine again.

"You can be angry, you know," Liam continues. "I'd be angry if I was you."

"What, because my best friends turned on me and sold me out to that asshole?" Louis jabs a finger towards the car sitting in the lane next to them, not even trying to be subtle about it. Because Louis wants so desperately to believe that Harry's an asshole. Wants to believe he's been manipulating him the entire time, playing him by being all sweet and nice and innocent, by flirting with him, by noticing his bum again.

The truth is, Lou had a really shitty night; he kept waking up from dreams that he'd rather not be having. Louis is able to admit that he's tired and grumpy and more than a little sexually frustrated, which was fine before, but after five years of celibacy is no laughing matter. But that still doesn't make Harry any less of an asshole.

Or Liam or Niall or Zayn, for that matter.

"Lou," Liam tries again, " I'm not sure you get it. We're on your side."

Louis just snorts at this and Liam frowns. "I know what Harry said about the songs, and I get his reasons. But they weren't my reasons." Louis glances up and Liam is maybe as serious as he's ever seen him. "You've been so stuck. And we all thought maybe you'd snap out of it eventually, but it's been five years. You're not really any better than you were after Detroit, you've just got better at hiding it."

Liam isn't wrong. But Louis doesn't know how to explain how he's just never going to get better. It's not in the cards for him. The lads trying to jerk him forcibly out of his rut isn't going to help; it's going to make everything worse.

Especially because Harry's there now.

Louis sighs. "Do you ever wonder if this is just the way I am now?"

Liam shakes his head decisively and Louis can tell from the gleam in his eye that he's remembering some of his old antics . Unfortunately, the Louis of today feels a million years old and that Louis feels like an immature child. "I refuse to accept that."

Louis leans back and closes his eyes. He really, really does not want to have this conversation with Liam. "Think of it as pre-Harry and post-Harry. Some people just change you, Li. I'm never going to be the same."