LOVE BUG

CHAPTER 59: FIGHT FOR IT

The greatest loves of all time are over now. This is the only thought crossing Anastasia's mind. The rest is blank, or more exactly dark like her clothes. There is nothing else. She has been emptied of everything with all the tears she has shed yesterday and the events that have torn parts of her away.

Now, her eyes are dry, and she is standing like an empty shell, yet it doesn't mean the pain has faded; it is impregnating deeper.

Her unfocused gaze is glancing over the perfectly-aligned rows of gray granite, which are only lighted up with a few blossoms of color here and there, as even the weather is mourning today. However, she seems to always come back to the same gray stone, maybe because this is where all the people are gathered, while she is staying in her corner, or maybe because of the red roses making the grave stand out among the gloomy surroundings. The vivid color is offering a glimpse of what that great love must have been, and with that, Anastasia goes back to her only thought.

The flowers look almost hypnotizing. They are echoing the feelings she has experienced, and despite how much she is trying to lie to herself, the feelings that are still consuming her inside the emptiness.

She doesn't dare to walk closer though. It could look like she is hiding as she is leaning against the large trunk of what must be an elm, but she just wants to let the people mourn over their loss, and not spoil this moment with her pain.

Her thoughts are going to this man and his wife, of course. But as she watches the people honoring their memory, she knows that at least, Mr. and Mrs. Carter have got a beautiful and long life full of happiness, true love, and freedom. Not everyone is as lucky, and in her corner, Anastasia is grieving over the innocent lives that will never even get a place like this to rest.

Alex is surely better wherever he is because he is with his love.

The greatest love of all time is over now. Anastasia is gripping her compass pendant with that same thought. She should have taken it off; that's what she has intended to yesterday, but Fergus has interrupted them.

Now, she can't bring herself to take it off. This is the only piece she has left of her heart. She is so lost, and through the empty shell, this compass is giving her one last point of reference. It reminds her that she isn't crazy, that Nathaniel has been more than just a cold stranger, even if it feels like a hazy dream.

She doesn't even dare to wonder if he is still wearing his. She can't bear to picture him moving on with his life like nothing has ever happened, yet she would also never wish him to go through as much pain as she is. The first is most likely for him, though. He will become the strong and perfect Captain Johnson again, like he has already acted yesterday.

His cold tone is coming back to haunt her in the emptiness of her chest, and it is in his voice that she hears her only thought replaying. The greatest loves of all time are over now. Although it doesn't echo with the same smoothness as the sweet nothings and 'je t'aime' he has murmured to her.

Has it even been love? She believes he has meant the words he has said, but maybe his love hasn't been strong enough. He thinks he is protecting her, that it is for the better, but it isn't. She has been terrified too when the Forces of Arrest have barged in the celebration. Her biggest fear is for Nathaniel to be hurt, and she doesn't want him to ever risk his life. Yet in the paradox of it all, she also has wanted him to fight for them, maybe fight safely, as impossible as it seems.

She still doesn't know exactly what she has hoped for yesterday, but she certainly hasn't wished for their 'let it be' to end that way, or any other way actually. All he has had to do has been to not throw it all away, when she has been fighting with all her heart.