i can't help it, the sequel (mj fanfic)

TWO: Hate

June 9th

Penny:

Baby James was now one week old. He had deep brown eyes and a head full of tiny black curls just like his dad. He was a very needy sleeper so his crib now had a home at the end of our bed for easy access.

I stared down at my baby boy who sat in my lap. The windows in the living room were opened and the fresh summer air circulated through the room. Michael came in from the kitchen with a bowl of fruit and glass of water.

"There's my baby boy!" He said gleefully. "I got you some fruit." He smiled to me and put it on the coffee table. I smiled softly and stared out the window, listening to the soft music that played from the record player. "Hey..." He sat next to me. "How are you feeling?" His hand rubbed my knee.

"I feel good." I said.

"Are you sure?" He squinted.

"Yes."

But the truth was, I wasn't feeling good. I was numb. I would look at my son and expect to be happy, but I wasn't. I would kiss Michael and expect a spark but I would just be numb. I didn't feel anything. I wasn't excited or happy, sad or angry... just numb. Blank. My heart felt blank. The only thing I felt was like I wasn't myself. I didn't want to do yoga, I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror, I didn't want to sing to Michael before we went to sleep, and I most definitely did not want to be a mother right now.

This isn't how its supposed to be. I'm not supposed to feel like this.

Michael lifts James off of my lap and squeezes him in his arms. "I love you little one." He kisses his warm head. He stares out the window and puts a grape in his mouth. "Four more weeks." He says.

"Before?"

His eyes relax onto mine. "I can make love to you again." I smiles and leans in to kiss my cheek. My stomach dropped. The thought of having sex made me nervous. I couldn't imagine my body going back to normal after giving birth.

"I'm going to take a walk." Michael furrowed his eyebrows as I walked out of the room.

The breeze brushed through my hair while I walked down the path towards the horses. My chin begins to quiver while a tear rolls down my cheek. I don't know what I want. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know who I am anymore, because I don't feel like me.

The hot sticky air makes my hair stick to my neck while I lean against the fence that holds the horses. Tears running down my face while my mind is only filled with frustration.

The first night with our baby was great. Michael and I were both more happy than we had ever been. And then slowly, everyday after that I just got more numb. More blank. And Michael was noticing but I could tell he didn't know what to do.

"Penny!" Michael sang and walked up behind me. "Our little one is hungry." He peaked to stare at my face. "Penny..." His smile dropped when he saw my red puffy eyes. "Baby what's wrong?" He moved James to the side of him so Michael could embrace me.

"Nothing... I just got something in my eye." I giggled but Michael was not amused.

"Don't lie to me. I know you've been sad. What is it?"

"Nothing." James began to make little noises and wiggle in Michaels arms. "He's hungry." I pulled him into my arms and walked towards a bench. I popped open my shirt and covered his eyes while he began to nurse.

"Penny please tell me. I feel so distant from you and it's driving me crazy!" He sits beside me and tried to lift my head to look at him. "Please look at me." His finger pulled my chin up. "Tell me what's wrong."

"I don't know what's wrong." I shrugged.

"Then tell me what you think is wrong. Just tell me anything. Please." He begged.

How do I tell him that I wish I could disappear without hurting his feelings? "I feel blank."

"Blank?"

"Mhm. Like a blank canvas. And every time someone tries to paint me, the color disappears. And I stay blank. And the only thing that could make me feel something is if you ripped me apart."

He fell silent.

"That's how I feel."

"You're depressed."

"I'm not depressed." I huffed and looked down at James.

"Penny trust me, you're depressed. That is exactly how I felt when you were married to Jake." He put his hand in my thigh. "I can help you if you would let me. Please let me."

"I don't wanna feel numb anymore. I don't understand why I feel this way." My chin began to quiver again. 

He furrowed his eyebrows. "You feel this way because your body just went through a traumatic process. Penny, your body isn't going to be "normal" after you birthed a human being! Your mind and body is trying to fix itself. It needs time to heal and go back to its original state."

"But I don't want my mind to be like this." I whimpered while a few tears rolled down my cheek. James wiggled in my arms and pushed against my chest.

"You'll be okay. It won't be like this for too long. I promise." He kissed my forehead. "I wish you told me sooner. You had me worried that you hated me." He smiled nervously.

"I don't hate you. I love you very much." I protested. I looked down at James who stared up at me. The look he gave me when he was feeding was the most magical thing I had ever seen. He trusted me completely and knew that I would never hurt him, of course I wouldn't. His sweet innocent face had so much hope for life.

I fixed my shirt and sat him up on my lap. He is so tiny. I cant wait to see what he will look like when he is older, but for now I want him like this forever.

A Few Days Later

I stood in front of the mirror, my wet hair dripping down my back. This wasn't me. I didn't see me when I looked at myself in the mirror. My stomach was no longer flat. My boobs were bigger. I had two times as many stretch marks on my hips and butt than I did before. I didn't look like the supermodel that posed for Calvin Klein in 1992.

I wasn't ugly but I didn't feel like myself. I covered my body with the towel and stared at my face which remained the same. When I took away the towel I expected to see a thin model but was greeted by a chubby version of that. I didn't even realize how I had gained some weight until my pregnant belly was gone.

"Hi Penny!" Michael strolled into the bathroom.

My stomach dropped while I covered myself with the towel. "Don't look! Get out Michael!" I yelped and pushed him out of the room.

"Penny-" He protested and tried to push open the door.

"Go away Michael!" My emotions got the best of me while I panicked. I didn't want him to see me.

"Penny whats wrong?!" He yelled and jiggled the door knob.

"Leave me alone!" I slid down the door while tears rolled down my cheek. I wasn't beautiful. I wasn't me. I hated what I was now.

"Baby..." He whined.

"Please!" I cried. "Go away."

I heard nothing but silence on the other side of the door followed by footsteps walking away.