Dein Weg ist Mein Weg

Chapter 13: The Junior

Even though both the Panzer IV and Churchill was blocked from her view, Maho knew what had happened. The smoke clearing only confirmed it. A white flag was blowing in the wind, and despite the gruesome dent and scorching on the turret ring of the Churchill, the Panzer IV was the one to fly it.

She collapsed back in her seat and simply sat there, quiet and empty, staring at the wall opposite her. In the distance, she might have heard the announcement of St. Gloriana's victory, or she might have heard her crew ask her if she was OK. She didn't. She simply sat there, and let the loss wash over her.

After a minute or so, color and sound slowly began to creep back into the world, and she could feel herself regain control of her body. The moment she had it, she climbed up and out of the tank, and jumped down to the ground.

"Maho, wait!" "Commander, where are you going?!" Saori and Yukari called out behind her as she started to run, but she didn't stop. She couldn't allow them to catch up with her. She ran for several blocks, only stopping when she reached the river at the edge of town. She collapsed on the walkway running along it, and threw up into the water before her. She felt sicker than she had in a long time, her breathing was on the verge of hyperventilating, and she felt like her body would give up at any second.

She could see herself in the water, but despite it looking like her, it wasn't her. It was the old Maho, the one she resented and hated. What the hell had she just done? Why did she do all that? The match replayed in her mind, her every tyrannical action shown to her over and over again. She was supposed to man the radio, not overthrow Saori in the middle of a match and treat her team like pawns. Why didn't she stop? Why did she keep on doing it? This wasn't the deal she had made with herself. She should have just stayed quiet. She should have stayed quiet and remained in her seat like she was supposed to. So why didn't she? Why did she let herself sink back down like that?

For the first time in her life, Maho felt truly terrified. She was shaking all the way to her core, her stomach only wanted to empty itself further despite being empty already, and she was completely petrified. Her mind was a wild jumble of thoughts, jumping back and forth between her actions during the battle, what she had done on that rainy day a year ago, what her mother had done to her, and back again to the horrific demon she had become today. That wasn't her, it couldn't have been. She must have been possessed by some evil spirit. Or perhaps she was still in one of her nightmares, trapped in a prison of her own making. She tried to pinch herself as hard as she could, but to no avail. She was still staring into the river, and her own face stared back.

Her reflection was shattered by tears falling into the water. Much in the same way, Maho felt like she was shattering herself. She should never have done it. She should have just stayed out of it all. She shouldn't have taken command. She shouldn't have said anything when the ambush failed. She shouldn't have suggested she was going to man the radio. She shouldn't have become an advisor to the team, or let Yuzu tell her the stakes, or let Hana, Saori and Yukari get to know her. She shouldn't have left Ogin's that day. She shouldn't have come to this stupid town, or this stupid school. She shouldn't have left the hospital that day. She shouldn't have left Kuromorimine, or her flag tank. She shouldn't have let herself grow soft. She shouldn't have accepted what her mother did to her. She should never have set foot in a tank at all. She should have just let the lake take her that day. She should have just let herself sink to the bottom. She wouldn't have suffered so much if she had, and the world and everyone in it would have been better off for it.

"I must say, I'm impressed..." As her reflection reformed in the water, it spoke back to her. It spoke back to her wearing the blacks and reds of Kuromorimine. "I think maybe we shouldn't have tried quite that hard, but hey; I really didn't think we had it in us. "