hiraeth

who knew it was going to be this hard?

A/N: hey hey hey swaggy (two) readers, disclaimer: We’re talking about Schlatt The Character, not the real dude. Schlatt The Person is just kind of a piece of shit, not a misunderstood guy who leaned into the role of the villain to soothe the pain of rejection, which is the story that we have given Schlatt The Character.

    It was raining harder than usual, my windshield wipers squeaking across the glass. The white noise provided some comfort, though not much. I had really been wrapped up in my thoughts that day. Regretting practically everything. I had never wanted to be the villain. I never felt it suited me. But I was in too deep now. I couldn’t go back. Rebranding my entire persona would only cause more distrust between myself and my community. Besides, maybe being hated on purpose really was the best thing that I could do for myself right then. Maybe if I were to try to work with others I would be met with the harsh reality that I wasn’t good enough. Maybe it has nothing to do with a warped sense of love. Maybe I’m just bad.

    This was something that I had thought about a lot. What if I really am the bad guy? What if it’s not a persona? This was the only thing stopping me from searching for love in places like children or pets. (I’d had a cat once. She had ran away within the first month of me owning her. I never attempted to find her. I figured she was probably happier without me.). If I actually am the problem then I would be doing them a disservice by being in their lives. Of course this just meant that I distanced myself from others before they could distance themselves from me. God, I really was the reason that I was unhappy. Premature rejection was a knee-jerk reaction for me at this point. The question had to be asked: am causing myself more pain than I’m preventing?

    My thoughts begin to trail off into memories of past rejections. Old friends, former love interests, family members, the works. I had to pull myself back before I seriously hurt myself again. Re-living pain did nothing for me, why try?

    I worry that I had made the wrong choice, not allowing myself to get close to people with children or animals out of fear of taking their innocent sense of happiness before their lives even began. I felt almost as though my hands were dirty with all of my mistakes and when I touched something innocent it would shrivel in my grasp. 

    It was one of those nights where the clouds covered the moon and the rain was falling so hard you could barely see anything, even with the headlights on. I was tired. Tired and sad. The default emotions, I’d like to think. The weather only mirrored that. A job like mine left you drained in a way that almost physically hurt, your head pounds, the regret leaves a pit in your stomach that follows you everywhere. At work, everyone around me seems to understand the way I’m always looking for something to waste (except money. God forbid I waste money, fuck). I’m sure I’ve probably cost some innocent person’s life in a deal because I hadn’t listened to the terms and conditions. I just jump into the worst things with a huge grin on my face. Sometimes I can’t tell if the grin is genuine or not. 

    There’s nothing like looking into the eyes of someone who’s proud of you for getting worthless money. Nothing like watching a ton of rich old people sit at a table and talk about how they can get even more rich. Everything I do eats away at me.
 
    I looked up to realize that I was on my street. I didn’t remember pretty much anything from the drive, but I suppose that’s not a bad thing. I had been consumed by my thoughts, which was difficult, sure, but if anything I had just gotten a jump on my activities for the night.

    I pulled into my driveway feeling rather dazed when I noticed a box on my front porch. Weird. I had no recollection of ordering anything online and I didn’t have any close friends or family who would send me something out of the blue. 

    I concluded that the box was meant to go to a neighbor. I was too drained to talk to anyone so I planned on finding the address and leaving it on their doorstep before getting back to the comfort of my own home as quickly as I could.