hiraeth

how could i have known, phil?

I eagerly looked up at my father, not entirely sure of what to do. He looked down at me, tears pricking his eyes, clearly trying to suppress some sort of emotion. He patted my head affectionately and said something along the lines of "You're gonna do great, bud."

I remember feeling really proud of myself. He seemed really proud of me, and in hindsight I find it more likely that he was just proud of himself for not literally killing me before I made it to my first big milestone, but at the time it made me feel even more excited than I already was. I was going to school AND I had earned my father's attention. #winning.

And with that I turned around and walked through the big double-doors into a sea of children. My excitement soon faded into anxiety, as I quickly became overwhelmed by all of the new sights and noises. Oh my God, the noises. The loud and unintelligible chatter was so overwhelming, I hadn't expected it to be this bad, but I was about to cry.

I saw a tall lady ushering everyone into the cafeteria and so I just allowed myself to be swept away in the crowd of kids headed in that direction.

Once inside, I found a comfortable corner nestled between a lunch table and an empty lost-and-found bin to sink into. With my knees hugged to my chest, my head hung, my excitement shattered, premature defeat accepted.

That was, until a young boy about my age approached me. I looked up, seeing his familiar blonde hair and soft face. Tommy. I recognized him from Phil's house.

Before I could say anything, he sat down in front of me and started talking. "Tubbo? Tubbo from dad's house?" he asked.

The tears stopped and I removed my knees from my chest, giving him a small nod.

"Thought it was you! It's Tommy, d'you wanna be my friend?" he asked.

I giggled a little, before responding with a simple "Okay."

Tommy practically led me throughout elementary school. He'd always been his hyperactive and very stubborn self, and the udder contrast between us combined with the strength of our friendship, made us a sort of an undefeatable duo. Whenever I'd go quiet he'd speak up for me, and whenever he went too far, I pulled him back. There was rarely a moment where you'd catch only one of us in a problem. If one of us was going down, so was the other. It seemed unfair to me at times, since Tommy was far more of a "problem-child" than I was, but I quickly got used to it.

Growing up, it stayed that way. Tommy would pull me into his antics, and I would play along. He would entertain me when I was upset, and I would calm him down when he was angry. He was sort of my platonic soulmate in a way. We fit together seamlessly.

Schlatt, or Dad, I guess, was always there for me if and when Tommy wasn't. Something that comes with Tommy's hotheaded and stubborn traits was that he got mad at me for things I either couldn't prove that I didn't do, or things that seemed important at the time but were really just ridiculous looking back on it.

I like to assume the best in people, I really do, but it's hard with my dad. I had a pretty good childhood, I always felt safe, I was a generally happy kid and I really did love my dad, but overall it's hard to tell if he was motivated by wanting to be a good parent or some sort of underlying motivations of a savior complex or something.

I remember once, in maybe first grade, we had to do a project in school for Mothers Day. I told the class that I didn't have a mother and therefore didn't really have any reason to participate. The teacher understood and told me to make a card for my dad instead, but, understandably, the room full of six-year-olds didn't get it. One kid told me that everyone had to have a mom (to which Tommy punched him in the arm and told him to "shut up, idiot", earning him five minutes in time-out).