Terminal Trance

01

HI! Just another reminder, I arranged the series in purpose at habang nagtatagal ay mas nagiging madilim at masalimuot at graphic ang issues na nilalaman ng arcs...so please, read with caution. 

....

Siddharta

"...that's it." Kaagad kong inabot ang baso ng tubig sa harapan at inubos ang laman matapos mangumpisal kina Carmen at Dustan.

I'm not sure how they took my confession for I was afraid and ashamed to even look at them. Disgust instantly gripped through every fiber of my being. I managed not to drop the empty glass as I placed it back on the table in front of me.

"Ate Sidd..." Carmen's voice was shaking when she tried to reach for my hand but I stood up and distanced myself instead.

Nagbilang ako ng tatlo bago mag-angat ng tingin at salubungin ang mga mata nila. I felt a bit relieved when Dustan looked worried but not for me, and Carmen...she looked shattered. That was expected. She appeared exhausted too, anong oras na nga ba? I opted to check my Dear John wristwatch to further rid myself of the current emotions at bay. Tinanghali na kami ngayon kumpara noong nangumpisal kami kina Yusuf at Henrietta.

"Ate Sidd..." Another expected worried mixed with pity tone came from Carmen made me finally have the courage to look at her again.

"I'm fine..." I sighed heavily, expelling the vomit like reaction that I felt towards what just transpired and towards myself. Lumapit na ako at naupo ulit sa harapan nila. "It's done, Carmen. We all have our crosses to bear and I intend to take this to my grave." With surprisingly steady hands, I reached for hers and enclosed it in mine for assurance.

"Kahit na ate...tang-ina..." Carmen croaked, tears escaped her eyes making Dustan pull her towards him and kiss the side of her head.

My heart warmed, or what's left of it. Nakakaramdam pa rin pala akong ganitong antig ng damdamin. Or maybe because she was family, he was not blood but definitely thicker than it and I was eternally happy for the two of them for finding each other to spend their lives with.

"No need to get angry about it, darling." I gave her a genuine small smile dahil wala naman na siya talagang dapat ikagalit dahil tapos na at nakaraan na and something good came out of it. "Anyways..." Tumayo na ako. "I'll get going, unless you want me to give you the gruesome details? Kaya pa ba?" I giggled dryly making Dustan shake his head repeatedly. "Thought so. Take her home safely okay? She'll need time for this. God knows what else the others confessed."

.....

With heavy steps, I dragged my feet towards the parking space of what Carmen, Trevor, and I, call Wasteland. Ang masokista rin at parang wala na lang ang epekto ng lugar na ito saamin dahil pabalik-balik pa rin kami rito. Granted that this wasn't Trevor and I's...Wonderland and we did grew up here when Yusuf acquired the property and had it transformed in to become our home, but still. Different island, yet same name...feeling and horrors.

Kung malakas lang siguro ang loob ko noon ay kumontra ako kay Yusuf na bilhin ito, and maybe suggested that we live our last years with Henrietta somewhere in the outskirts of Batanes...where there's fresh air and we're rid of the taint that this Wasteland entailed.

Kahit yata saan na remote area kung saan ay payapa at tahimik, iyon ang tanging pangrap ko noon pa man. Somewhere quiet, green, a few cattle here and plenty of land there to plant on. I'd prefer sustainable living over this power that I gained from pure pain and hell any damn time. Natawa ako ng mapakla sa sarili sa katotohanang lahat ng ito ay isang malaking ilusyon lang para saakin dahil walang lugar para maging makasarili. Beggars can't be choosers...and I was not one to be ungrateful and hypocrite about all of this. Power was still... power at mas maigi na may hawak akong mabigat kaysa wala akong panlaban at pangprotekta, for my life had never been really about me anymore. It's about—