On my way

Chapter 10

Christen and I are sitting at a long table with Kelley, Alex, Allie, Megan, Ashlyn and Ali, eating eggs, potatoes and sausages. My body is intoxicated and my mind is foggy, but at least it doesn't feel like I'm being pushed underwater anymore. I don't know whether to be grateful to Kelley and Allie or curse them for showing up at the exact second I finally found the courage to look at Christen. They probably saved me from making a huge mistake. In the background, Ed Sheeran is velvety singing "Kiss Me" and this irony makes me laugh. Allie smiles at me and for a brief moment I am overcome with a completely irrational fear that she knows something. But what should she know? After all, nothing happened. A friend and I were watching a film. Nothing more. Megan says something and everyone laughs. I laugh along so no one notices I wasn't listening. 

Half an hour later, Christen and I are walking down the hall. Alex and Allie are already in their rooms and Megan, Kelley, Ash and Ali are still downstairs. Christen and I stop at my door. "Do you want me to pick you up for dinner in the morning?" she asks. "Sure," I say. I open the door and a gush of cool air sloshes towards me. I forgot to close the window. I shiver. Christen continues to her room. I'm about to close the door when she turns around again. "Tobs?" "HM?" "Are we going to finish watching the film tomorrow?"

One day has passed. I dreamt about Christen at night, which I tried to forget the next morning. She actually asked me yesterday if we wanted to continue watching the film. But I told her no. Megan, Ash and Ali went to the cinema about an hour ago. They asked me if I wanted to go, but I cancelled on them too. I don't know, I read a bit and was bored out of my mind. And then I went jogging. I've been doing that for over 20 minutes now, waiting for the serenity of Bob Marley to rub off on me. Most of the time it works quite well - but not today. Maybe because I'm not jogging, but rather running. I'm like a driven woman trying to escape myself. I briefly toy with the idea of running another lap, but then decide to go back. I get closer to the building and slow down. When I stop and look up, I see Christen sitting huddled on the step at the back entrance. Her knees drawn up and her arms folded on them, her face buried deep in them. She looks grey. Sweatpants, thin jumper, quivering shoulders. I take out my airpods. "Chris?" She flinches. Her eyes are puffy, skin blotchy, snot running from her nose. The sight of her wipes away my every previous thought. Suddenly it's just her and her sad green eyes. I want to ask what happened, but hesitate. What could it be? What would throw her off track like that? Did Kelley do something? Wishful thinking. Is something going on with her family? Oh, God! What if her parents got divorced? I sit down with her. My room key jingles as I put my arm around her shoulder. "What happened?" I ask cautiously. She wants to answer but it becomes just another sob. She hides her face in her hands, crying like a child who can't fight the force of her own emotions. This vulnerable, sad version of her is heartbreaking. I gently press her head on my shoulder, stroke her hair, rock her back and forth. I don't know how long we sit there like this, but eventually I feel her calm down. She is still breathing too abruptly, but at least she is breathing. She has her arms wrapped around me, her wet face in the crook of my neck. Our position is terribly uncomfortable. My back aches and my left leg has fallen asleep, but I don't move. I just hold her tight. As if I'm afraid that if I let go she'll shatter into countless tiny splinters. "Shall we go inside?" I whisper. "It's getting cold."