On my way

Chapter 13

I woke up before the alarm clock rang, but did not dare to open my eyes. Only when I felt a movement next to me and could be sure that it was not a dream, I opened them. At the first moment I did not know how to act. It was as if the thoughts and concerns that I had been able to push away so successfully the hours before had all come back at once with the light of day. But then she kissed me and all the concerns disappeared again. We laughed softly, kissed again. The kisses turned into hugs, and the hugs turned into tongues on skin and eventually a knot of two bodies. Outside, I could already hear the first ones in the hallway. I think it was Ali, Ashyln, and Megan. Their voices were far enough away, yet I covered Chris's mouth when she came. Because we didn't want to go to dinner sweaty and we still had time, we went to shower together. Well. Not much came of showering. When I turned on the water, she started kissing me again.

As we were leaving the room just under 40 minutes later, Kelley was suddenly standing in front of us. She seemed a little angry at Christen and I'm honestly unsure if she noticed anything. The moment Christen saw her, she immediately let go of my hand as if she had burned herself on it. Kelley didn't seem real excited to see me with Chris.

 Now I'm sitting at a long table with Chris, Kelley, Alex, and Allie. Chris, Kelley and I are actually just keeping quiet with each other. Alex and Allie have no idea what is going on and don't seem to notice anything. They don't know that a "truth or dare"- kiss has turned into sex. They think we are just friends. They have no idea about the benefits. All except Kelley.

The last hours were like a far too short stay in a parallel world from which I actually never wanted to return. In reality, we have to hide all this. We are not allowed to talk about it. Or show what we really feel. And besides, I am afraid. Afraid of what others might think about us. Afraid that my friends won't accept me. My family not accepting me with it. Afraid of change. And I'm afraid of how the world will react. Homophobia is still such a present topic. And I don't know if I could stand all the hate. But most of all I'm afraid that Chris doesn't feel the same way about me. What if for her it was just some item on her list that she's dying to try? What if it's not about me at all? Suddenly I feel woozy, have a slight headache. Kelley keeps looking over at me angrily. Chris keeps avoiding my glances. I'd like to know what's going on in her head right now. I wonder if she regrets last night. I wonder if it will happen again. It has to happen again. Just the idea of never kissing her again...  "Shall we go downtown again this afternoon?" asks Christen unusually quickly, as if to make sure she changes her mind halfway through. She looks at me. Her voice sounds foreign, but I like the look in her eyes. I clear my throat "Sure" "I thought I'd see you this afternoon." Says Kelley. "Come on. We've seen each other every day for the last week, and besides, I think you should have a talk with Emily." "We're not fighting" "But you're not talking anymore either since you know what." First she gives me an impenetrable look, then she looks back at Chris. I think she hates me since this camp. On the other hand, I would like to know what "you know what" means.

Christen presses me against the mirror. It's cold, and I suck in a breath as I touch it. Even if I tried, I couldn't explain how great it feels to kiss her. Even if I had all the languages, all the words, all the superlatives at my disposal, it wouldn't be enough. We look at each other breathlessly. Her eyes are the color of my dreams and I wish mine could photograph that exact look. Then I kiss her again. Touch her skin.

When she asked me earlier if I needed anything from downtown, I told her that my favorite bra was broken and that I would like a new one. I don't know if I suggested exactly that because I wanted that to happen, or because I really don't need anything else. Whatever the reason, I haven't tried one on yet. The colorful sports bras continue to hang from the clear plastic underwires. A red one from Nike, a blue one from Adidas, and a dark gray one from Nike. The dark gray one Chris brought me and whispered "I bet it looks great on you." At that moment I wanted to kiss her because of the way she looked at me. Because of the husky rasp in her voice. We looked around some more and it was excruciating and at the same time already imagining her in her underwear. In the secondary, when we finally pulled the curtain of the locker room behind us, we started kissing. Just like the couples in movies who fall over each other as soon as the elevator door is closed behind them. 

Her hands are everywhere. On my skin, in my underwear. I hold my breath so that they don't hear me. Crystals dance shimmering through the air between the grains of dust. My muscles twitch and my arm rubs squeakily across the mirror. I don't know what exactly this is between us. But it's definitely more than an item on some list.