Coming Home Is Not Fun Anymore So I Lock Myself In

Chapter 10: The End

In the middle of February, I never really cared about Valentine's Day. All I could think about was that Ray's birthday was coming in about two days. I decided to write a diary to let go of whatever that's left in me. Because where else should I put my love for her? I used to relieve some of my feelings into my drawings. It was always a portrait of her pretty face. My art has become more detailed when she was gone. The feeling of missing her made me a better artist. But after locking me out of the world, darkness was the only comfort I could ever hold. I could not bring myself to draw a single stroke. I was uninspired.

My writing on the other hand was blooming with words from the memories I have. So I went on and on. I figured it will make a good birthday gift for Ray, giving her a written documentation of our relationship. But on her birthday she refused to open my gift. She was never into reading online. I was almost convinced to cut my leave of absence short on that day but her rejection only proved that I was not ready to answer calls again.

I continued writing anyway. This time I was writing for myself. So I can finally get to move on. I feel better that some of my fans are actually reading this. I went on and finished the rest of remaining days off from work.

The night before I get back to work, I was about to sleep when someone knocked at my door. It was definitely time for me to sleep, I have no intention on answering the door but the person behind my door was very consistent at knocking it hard. This person had a temper for sure. The person tried to open my window but failed to do so.

If I had to guess who it was, I'd failed miserably. I thought maybe it's my land lady because I only paid her not even half of my remaining balance. Is it the collector from my internet bill? I haven't paid them yet but it's already six in the evening and I don't think those guys even do overtime at work. Maybe it's Rob? But he's currently in the province for a month long celebration of his birthday. Ray would never knock the way this person knocks at my door. Ray would call out my name if it was her. We've always felt the need to speak before entering the room so we know it's not some stranger or her obsessed ex or a delivery guy that we can't pay up. I had no intention of opening that door. It's not Ray whoever's behind that door, I just know it.

After five minutes of knocking, I gave up. What the hell does this person want from me? When I opened the door dear god what have I done so bad to deserve this? There it was my cousin Jane looking so pissed because it took me so long to open the door. No announcement whatsoever. And worse was that she brought her girlfriend with her. The girl I gave to her to be my replacement before I went to the Capital City. Turns out their relationship lasted longer than I thought, what exactly brought them here?

I didn't have a choice. I threw all the hints for them to leave me alone. They were bored on their fucking skull. They made me buy some drinks with their money of course because I'm broke as fuck. I have to go to work in a few hours and they don't exactly get it. Turns out my stupid little sister called Jane to check on me and boy they were quite enthusiastic about it. Jane found out Ray and I broke up and she comes back knocking at my door. Maybe, just maybe if she came here alone I would have took the bait. But nope, she just had to take her girlfriend with her. They were very clingy to each other, it makes me puke.

The next couple of days she came back again. Six in the evening and I was about to sleep, they really don't get it. She wanted me to prepare some rice because they bought some barbecue. What the actual fuck? No, no, no! Fuck no! I was firm this time around. I denied their entrance to my room. They need to find some other place to eat. I have a job in the next few hours and seeing them together only makes me think about Ray. It doesn't even make me miss Ray. It only makes me thank the gods that I'm no longer in a relationship because I know how I suck on relationships.

She would bite her lower lip when her girl is not looking at us. Her girlfriend was also very open about talking how their sex life was. I never even asked about it. I mean, I don't mind. They can borrow my body for all I care but I just didn't want to get myself be involved in such inevitable trouble. Jane's girlfriend clearly doesn't know about my affair with Jane. She doesn't know that once upon a time, we were more than just "cousins".

I messaged Ray the other day. I told her I miss her and wish her well on her training to be an independent woman. She kept it short and formal. I don't know who she's dating exclusively. Recently she was so involved with Philip, that fucking monkey. When Ged and I found out about them we had a hell of a laugh. She has to do what she needs to survive. No judgments, but thanks for the good laugh. She's probably already dating other men and that's cool.

There were several things I've come to realize when she left me.

1. Every time I ask her to turn off the light while she's taking calls so I can sleep, it hurts her eyes. I found out about this when I was already working at home. No wonder she hates it when I insist on turning it off. But there were times when she voluntarily turned it off. It would put me to sleep in minutes. She was sacrificing her comfort so I can rest. Yes, I may have fallen in love with that. It cracks me up thinking that I always knew her love isn't ordinary. It takes form in a very unique way.

2. Sleep is for the lonely souls. Back when we were still together, I could only get a maximum of five hours of sleep. It was a major adjustment to me. But it didn't matter because when we sleep cuddling it boosts my sleeping quality. Even when we were both still at Wellcare we would get three hours of sleep but it's all good because we get to hold each other in our sleep. Now that she's away from me, I've been sleeping ten hours a day and some days, I would take twenty. It didn't matter anyway.

3. The food doesn't taste as good as before anymore. Sometimes when we argue she would go out with her friends and come home with freshly cooked sunny side-up eggs. The simplest things that make me feel special. See how she was mad at me when she left the house and she came back bringing food? Most of the times when we argue she breaks up with me, countless times and still she would find her way back to me. It worries me of course, thinking I'm single for five hours again huh.

4.* cencored *

5. I miss her cooking so much. Right before she found out Ged was dating someone else everything was on track. She would cook for the day and we'd both end up fully satisfied. I mostly do the grocery and she hates it when I get the low quality ingredients. And boy she doesn't cook shit until every single ingredient is on the table. It has to be complete. It's like OCD but only for cooking.

6. Maybe she has OCD for laundry too. I've learned so much in my time with her. I never really use bleach until she came into my life. Washing white clothes were easier than ever. My talented hands have to suffer though. I don't use bleach anymore because I've discarded my white clothes. I don't wear colors anymore. Keep it black, and black is not a color. That's what Ged thought her. He's not that bad, we simply loved the same woman and I have no reason to compete with anyone anymore.

I no longer have interest in what the future holds. If someone can get me out of my cave, that would be me. If someone has the power to keep me out and make me stay under the sun that would be great.

All this for the love of my concise life,
My Ray of Sunshine