Cacophony (PAUSED FOR EDITING AND UPDATES)

16: a n d y

Let's fall in love with music, the driving force in our living, the only international language.

March 17, 1990

Sydney hadn't been sleeping, and it showed. If it weren't for the guys stepping in to help with set up and sound checks, she likely would have let them down. They didn't hassle her at all, knowing that she was dealing with some internal shit.
One afternoon, when they were back in New York, Sydney had one of the backup amps completely taken apart and was in the process of replacing a few blown bulbs. She was working quietly opposite Chris, who was writing down notes on a piece of paper he'd found. They'd been working in silence for a while, Sydney feeling off. She had this feeling that something bad was going to happen and she couldn't shake it. She had talked to Adam earlier that day for the first time since that awful night outside the Moore Theater back home, and it hadn't gone well. He had screamed at her, and she had hung up on him. She feared what was going to happen when she returned home.
Chris's pen ran out of ink in the middle of the set list he was jotting down, and he looked around for a new one. His eyes finally settled on the pencil that Sydney often wore in her hair to keep it in place on top of her head. Reaching out to pluck it from her hair as he'd done a handful of times before, he was shocked as she flinched away from him. She threw her hands up defensively, crying out in fear. The glass tubes she had been holding crashed loudly to the ground, shattering. They both paused a moment, Chris looking at her in surprise. Everyone else who was in the dressing room looked up as well.
Sydney blinked a few times, trying to to get rid of the tears that she could tell were rapidly filling her eyes, but it was no use. She was going to cry. Turning around, she made her way as quick as possible out of the dressing room. Chris stared at the others in shock. They didn't understand what had just happened.
Chris followed her out of the room, hearing the ragged breathing Syd was trying to control before he saw her. His heart broke when he turned the corner and found her crouched down on the ground, chest heaving with her uneven breaths.
"Syd. Hey, come here." He breathed, sliding down to the floor and pulling her into him.
She didn't argue, burying her face in his neck and grabbing handfuls of his shirt. Not able to hold it in any longer, she cried openly. His whole being shattered. He had never once, in almost two years since he'd known her, seen her cry. Watching it happen now, because of something he did, tore him up.
"It's okay." He whispered into her hair. "It's alright."
"I'm sorry." She sobbed, wiping her eyes and trying unsuccessfully to stop the tears.
"Don't apologize. What happened back there?"
"I don't know, I just saw your hand come at me and- and... it just scared me. It's stupid. So fucking stupid."
He put a hand slowly under her chin and raised her face up to look at him. Even when crying she was beautiful. The redness made her emerald green eyes pop, and he brushed a few tears from her freckled cheeks with his thumb.
"It's not stupid. And I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."
"It's not your fault. I just... haven't been sleeping well and it's making me lose my shit a little bit."
"You can sleep with me tonight. You always seem to sleep better when you've got a sleep buddy." He offered, trying to make it sound as platonic as possible.
He really honestly just wanted to help her in any way he could. The Sydney he'd seen over the last couple of weeks was not the same Sydney he'd come to know. She had something going on underneath the surface but whatever it was, she had no interest in talking about it. He'd tried a few times to get her to open up, but she adamantly refused.
"Please don't cry." He said, kissing her forehead.
"I'm fine. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, I never cry. Must be getting my period or something."
She straightened up and wiped her eyes, taking a deep breath to control herself. She hated crying, and actively avoided it at all costs. Resting her head back on Chris's shoulder, she readied herself to go back in the dressing room and finish her work. It was embarrassing to go back and face everyone after her stupid freak out over nothing, but she at least was confident that they wouldn't make her feel bad about it. They were good guys, and that's why she loved them.
Chris helped her up when she was ready and waited patiently outside the restroom as she washed her face. It was St. Patrick's day, and they had all been ready to have a good time, have a few beers and put on a kick ass show. She was determined to get back in the spirit, even though she still had the unexplainable feeling of anxiety. When they rejoined the others in the dressing room, she saw that someone had cleaned the glass she had dropped.
"I would have finished whatever you were doing with that amp for you but I don't know how the fuck to fix that thing." Matt said, offering her a smile that she returned.
"It's all good, you could have zapped yourself if you tried. There's twenty volts of electricity running through the chassis." She explained.
"You mean that amp could kill you?!" Jason asked from the corner where he sat.
"No... well, I mean it could I suppose. Any electric charge could be lethal under the right circumstance. The human body is actually fairly resistant to electric currents. As a rule of thumb though, it usually takes at least fifty volts to drive a potentially lethal current through a typical person. Luckily I'm not an idiot and I discharged the electrolytic capacitor before I did anything else."
"Wow. Okay lady Einstein." Kim joked, making her laugh.
She was happy that nobody mentioned her little moment. They talked easily, Sydney cracking a beer with the rest of them while she worked to loosen up a little. Time passed quickly, Sydney and Gunny overseeing the soundcheck and everyone getting ready for the show. A few people were starting to trickle in the front doors when a guy from the bar approached the stage.
"There's a woman on the phone named Xana. She's asking to talk to Sydney."
"That's me." She said, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion.
There it was. That bad feeling that had been simmering under the surface all day returned. She followed the guy behind the bar where he handed her a phone.
"Xana?"
"Sydney."
Xana was crying. That bad feeling she had grew from a simmer to a full on boil. Xana wouldn't be calling her, ever, unless there was really something wrong. The fact that she was crying only confirmed her suspicion.
"What's wrong?" She asked, almost wondering if she even wanted to know the answer.
"It's Andy. He... he overdosed. He's at Harborview, and he's in a coma and... Sydney, they're saying they don't think he's going to wake up."
Sydney froze in horror. Andy... sweet Andy. The last time she'd seen him, he'd been so happy. So healthy. That awful night with Adam outside the Moore Theater, one of the worst nights of her life, he had made it so much better. He'd made her laugh and he'd hugged her tight.
Remember to keep that head high, Sunshine.
That was the last thing he had said to her. Was it possible that it was the last thing he would ever say to her?
"I... Xana, I'm so sorry. Oh god... I-"
Her voice cut short, and for the second time that day she was crying. This couldn't be happening. Looking up at the stage, she watched as Gunny fiddled with Matt's drum kit, getting the tuning just right. This was going to crush Chris. The knowledge that he was downstairs having a good time while Andy was laying in a hospital bed back home, it killed her.
"I can't believe it. What am I supposed to do?"
The hopelessness in Xana's voice made everything even more real. Andy was in a coma. Andy might not wake up.
"We'll come home. We can figure it all out when we get back, okay? It's going to be okay." Syd assured blindly, trying to find some sort of hope through her tears.
"No, you don't understand. When I found him, he was dead. Then when we got to the hospital he was alive again and we thought maybe he would be okay... but then they came back and had this long list of everything that's wrong with him. I don't think it's going to be okay. The machines are the only thing keeping him alive."
There was a long, broken silence as the two women cried on either end of the phone. Sydney needed to compose herself. They had a show to put on, and then after that she had news to deliver that was going to break her best friend's heart.
"We're still going to come home. I'm going to wait until after the show to tell them... but I don't see Chris being able to continue with the tour after I tell him. We can be back by tomorrow I'm sure." She assured, straightening her shoulders and focusing on the next tasks at hand.
"Yeah. Okay." Xana agreed.
"We'll be there soon and we'll come to you. You're not alone, okay?"
"Okay. Thanks, Syd."
"Yeah. See you soon."
Sydney hung up the phone and wiped her eyes, taking a few deep breaths. Her and Xana had never been close, but this was huge, and horrible. She remembered when her dad died, the worst part was feeling how alone she was in the world without him. She wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.
"Is there anything I can get for you?"
She looked around, seeing the same venue employee who had led her over here standing behind her.
"Um, just a few waters please."
"Sure thing."
"And a Diet Coke." She added for Chris.
He walked into the large fridge and Sydney picked up the phone again, dialing Susan's office number. She picked up on the second ring.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Sue. I, um... I think we're going to have to cancel the rest of the tour. I just got some bad news."