The Piano Year

Falling Apart

Tuesday 25th February

What's the best advice you've ever been given? Follow your heart. Yeah, I decided I won't be so sarcastic today. I'm glad I followed my heart with Josh. Things are really nice for us.

But Josh and his Mum. I know things are going badly there. I really wish I could be a better girlfriend for him and stop him from feeling so miserable. But it's kinda impossible. All he wants is for his Mum to get better again and, unless I find the cure for cancer, I can't do that for him.

I'm going to call him and go over his house.

11pm: I'm such a terrible person. I guess I ought to explain what happened. I got to Josh's in the early afternoon and, of course, nobody was home. Nobody's ever home at his house. It was completely silent. The sort of silent that's deadly and cuts right through you. The silence that is so quiet it hurts. You know something's wrong just by the lack of sound.

"Josh!" I beamed, finding his lips. Suddenly, that silence was electric. My hands were in his hair and his arms were around my waist and it was like there was nobody else in the world. It felt like it when we broke apart too.

"Oh, God. I really love you, Jade," he smiled. I watched as the smile lit up his eyes. That hardly happens nowadays. With him it's all clenched teeth and teary eyes. 

"I love you too, Josh," I said. I couldn't help but smile too. He was contagious. He was my drug. He was my drug and I was hooked.

I thought back to last year when I hated him and we could barely talk without snarling at each other. Now, here we are, barely a breath apart, so in love. I couldn't have wanted him or loved him anymore than I did right then.

"Let's get something to drink," Josh said. I wandered into the living room. The lighting was low, how romantic. I took a seat on the sofa. It was tidy for once. I was used to seeing it covered with laundry and blankets. It looked as if he'd made an effort.

He walked back in holding two glasses and a bottle. I looked him up and down, paying attention to what he was wearing. A dark and crisp blue shirt and smart trousers. Why was he so dressed up? Why was he giving me wine?

He poured too much into the glass and turned on a movie. We didn't watch it. We didn't even kiss, at first. We just drank. I didn't get drunk, just relaxed. I knew that I was a lightweight (after the party) so I only drank half of the glass Josh had poured me.

"You look really nice," I told him. "I always thought you were hot. I just...I think I liked you even when I said I didn't."

"I always thought you were hot. Wow. Compliment of the year, Jade," he laughed. But I could see his eyes were lit up. He was happy.

"Well, you are. And it's not even your face or your body," I said.

"Oh?" 

"Yeah. You have the most attractive personality I know. You're just so funny and smart and sweet and you're a gentleman and you can sing. And I love how you taught me to play the piano and how you say 'I love you, Jade' so that I know it's me you're talking to. And I love how your hair is perfect even after you've walked for miles in the wind. And I love how you care so much about your Mum. And I love how you secretly love to watch Glee but won't admit it. And I love every bit of you. You're so perfect and you don't even know and I love you and I would love it if you could kiss me again," I said.

"Wow," Josh breathed. He didn't say anything else. We were together in an instant, then we were lying there, breathless. We'd never done anything more than kiss before but suddenly I didn't care. I guided his hands up my shirt, wondering why I'd never let him before. His lips were against my skin and it was perfect. Until the phone rang.