all my life, i have found myself tripping between waves of melancholy beginnings and endings. thrashing black and blue in ice water that sneaks through my eyes and freezes my optimism, only to be hurled into soothing rivulets moments later. and yet, every time, i am left in awe, body injected with paranoia, by the elasticity and temperaments life bares as it transforms in front of human eyes.
i used to be petrified of change. and i kind of still am. worried about when i may slam against the next rock in the river, be pulled down again by ocean hands that were so unexpected. wandering against street lights, fingers crossed and slipped into pockets, i learned to hope my raft would be built by the next accident. thing is, i've realized it will never fully be built. i'll never be entirely ready for what it is to come. but that doesn't mean i won't flourish nonetheless.
because the flowers that snake through the first yawning grass of the spring still grow even through angry lightening and impatient rain, the incomplete scaffold doesn't collapse, and shaky boats can still float if one is strategic about maneuvering them through the waters.
so i let my sun bloom, my universe unfold, as i grow patient with the self. let me come as i am, parched for knowledge, queer and bold, cradling a history of mental fog and physical illness and brilliance let me come
let me stay even. reconstruct the canvas, design new vibrant colors, let me refashion a trembling past into
the most piercing source of inspiration my soul has ever known.
---alternatively titled: make a promise to yourself
3/20/21
