I Trusted you

Camp

Spring had flew by. Things between me and Viri weren't the way they were in the beginning but it was still perfect in my eyes. I couldn't ask for more than was being given to me. I still hadn't gone to see Viri. She kept asking me to go over or to meet her at school but I held my guard. I know that no one understood why I kept my distance from her even though I was head over heels for her. I guess no one ever will. It was hard to stay away. Harder than not seeing her. All I ever wanted since I started talking to her was to be able to wrap my arms around her and ease every pain she ever had. I know that it wouldn't have taken all the problems away but it would have made it easier to go through knowing that I was there, on her side. She'll never understand how much I suffered through it all and perhaps no one will, but I did. It was worse than being beat up that one time I talked back to my mom, worse than every argument I ever got into and as much as it hurts to admit, it was worse than chemo. Only God knows how much I had to go through to restrain myself from going. She was the girl I always dreamed of marrying someday.
After all the things we had been through, I told her that we were like Edward and Bella from the movie twilight. You're my Bella I had told her. I didn't have the strength to stay away from her anymore. I wasn't obsessed just madly in love. She was my life now. I found myself wanting her more in more with every text. I wanted her attention and her to want only me. It sounds wrong as much as it was wrong and I hated myself for that. I became jealous over every little things. I created many arguments that were things that weren't even argumentative. I became so stubborn. For a long time everything was about me. I changed. I kept hurting her and I don't understand why I did it because every time she would cry over it my heart broke. I knew she wasn't okay. How could she be.
It took me awhile to realize what I was doing. Its not easy to admit what you've done, especially when it's something you promised yourself you'd never do. Even though she forgave me over and over again I never did. I never forgave myself. I couldn't. She was my everything, my world, my life, and I kept hurting her. Its not that I wanted to hurt her. I didn't. I kept trying to control myself but before I got the chance to calm down and think about stuff I had already exploded on her as if it were her fault. She kept blaming herself for a lot of things that we both knew wasn't her fault. There were times when it was her fault but not always, nobody's perfect and we were both very far from it. I was a horrible person at times. A lot of people ask me why I put myself out like this. Many people ask me why I always say that I messed up and I ruin things. I say it because I know what I did wrong and I'm not afraid to admit I was wrong. We all know when things are our fault. We insist on telling ourselves and others we had nothing to do with it when deep down we know the we were the ones the messed up. Everyone does no matter who you are. I messed up a lot and I kept messing up a lot until I almost lost her.
Though we argued a lot we still loved each other more than anything in the world and no matter how hard things were we wanted to be in each others arms. My mom kept saying, "Every couple argues Ryan. Me and your father argued almost everyday at some point. Human beings are hard to deal with. You want to kill the bastard but yet you want to hug them and fill them with love all at the same time. It's complicated being in a relationship. There isn't one relationship that hasn't had its arguments. What you have to figure out is wether the person your arguing with it worth the tears at the end of the argument or not. You have to know who your willing to fight for." She was right. Things weren't easy but I still loved her. Every night she'd be the one on my mind and every morning she was the reason for my smile.
Summer had finally arrived and school had finally ended. Things kept getting hard for us because with every day that passed, we grew more attached and more in love but couldn't be in each others arms. She wanted to see me badly and I wanted to see her too. She kept telling me to go over when her mom went to work and her sister went to volleyball practice so we could be together for awhile. I kept my foot down though. I couldn't go. I was going to get better and I was going to be able to do everything we've always wanted, I was sure of it.
On July 4th 2011 Viri and her family were going camping for the holiday. It was going to be for three days and I knew she'd have little to no signal at all. I hated the the fact that she was going to be in the woods alone and not be able to talk to me. I was scared.
She had asked me to go camping too so we could see each other. I would be in one cabin and her in another. During the day we'd meet up as friends who just met and we're hanging out and at night she would try and sneak out so we could be alone for awhile. I knew she wanted this more than anything. She brought it up everyday and she kept making plans for us. She even told me that who knows maybe I'd get lucky. It wasn't about getting lucky with her though, it was about being happy, seeing her and being able to hold her.
We had been dating for months and I grew tired of controlling myself. Everything was okay with my body, I was getting better so I figured why not. I made plans on the same campground with some friends and cousins. I was so excited to see her. She was going to take off a day before me and we would eventually see each other there. I had packed everything weeks before just to make sure I wouldn't forget anything. Everyday I would text my cousins making sure that they were good to go. My parents had no idea I was going to meet up with her, they thought I was going for fun with my cousins. My cousins knew why I was so desperate to go. They were good guys and they wanted to help. They liked Viri. They kept telling me that she loved them and not me and that at some point she would leave me for them. Viri and my cousins were like siblings. They got along well and shared many secrets. I liked the fact that she got along with some of my family members.
As the days passed by I kept getting more and more anxious. I couldn't wait to see her, to see the look on her face when she saw me. It was going to be amazing. We were going to run into each other's arms just like they did in movies. I had planned it all in my head so that I wouldn't mess up anything.
The morning she took off I was awake. I couldn't sleep the night before because the anxiety was too much. I kept picturing in my head different reactions though I knew I would only find out what type of reaction I was going to actually have, when I saw her. As she took off to camp I laid on my bed. She couldn't text me but she told me she would when she got to camp. I waited and about three hours after she messaged me from her friends phone. I knew she couldn't talk much because they had to set up camp ground and I didn't want her to text me too much and take time away from her having fun so I told her to go.
The rest of that day I walked around the house being fat and eating everything I could get my hands on. Every time anxiety hit me, I would become this huge fatass. I needed things in my mouth to keep me from running around the house screaming. I knew my mom noticed something was up with me because of the way she looked at me. I didn't care too much about her though because she was okay with Viri. She had finally excepted the fact that I didn't want anyone but Viri.
As the day made its way by, the anxiety kept growing. My refrigerator had gone poor and there was nothing more to eat but some left over birthday cake from my dads birthday. It was only three days old and since there was nothing else to eat I decided I would eat the cake.
I spent the afternoon good, eating, watching t.v and dancing around the house. Everyone was home minding their own business. It was a pretty good day besides the fact that I was missing Viri really bad. Time was going by slow that day and many times throughout the day I would sit and watch the clock tick. The closer it got to night the more of a nervous wreck I became.
When night time had finally arrived, I showered three times and shaved everything I needed to shave on my body. I did my beard and cut my nails. I needed to look good for Viri the next day. I needed to smell good. I wanted her to look at me and think, "Wow, that's mine?" My stomach was feeling a bit strange but I figured it was because of how nervous I was. That night I took some pills to sleep because I needed to drive a three hour drive to get to camp in the morning. I slept like a baby.
The next morning at around 5am my cousin called to wake me up. I didn't wake up. My mom had to come in my room and wake me up herself. I disliked when she woke me up because I'm a guy and some times mornings can get a little strange. I woke up to the sound of her voice. I quickly had jumped off of bed and run into the bathroom. I must have thrown up everything that I had eaten the day before. I felt horrible, my stomach was a mess. The moment I thought I was better I would find myself back in the bathroom vomiting. My mom noticed and told me not to go to camp. I knew I had to go, I couldn't disappoint Viri anymore. I told my mom that I was alright and that it must have been something I ate. I thought it was something I ate because the day before I was fine. The only time I felt a little weird was at night before going to sleep but it wasn't something that needed to be taken cared of.
I showered after throwing up t twice to wash the sickness away. I did everything I did the night before all over again just in case I missed something. I had put on some shorts and a tee so I would be comfortable in the car. We had everything set to go, bags in the car, cousins in their cars and friends all here. I walked out of my room and felt my stomach start to ache again. I ran to the bathroom hoping it would be my last time because I didn't want to stink when I hugged Viri. Everything came running up the moment I opened the door. I closed my eyes and let everything out. My mom had run in behind me without me realizing. She stood by the door and watched me. I felt uncomfortable with her standing there watching me. I wanted to tell her to get out but every time I opened my mouth to speak, I would throw up.
When I was finally done I sat on the floor and held my stomach. It was hurting a lot. I knew that pain, I had felt it before. It wasn't left over cake nor the fact that I ate too much the day before. I became dizzy and my eyes became heavy. My mom sat by my side and hugged me.
"Sweetheart you can't go camping. I know why your going, I know Viri's there and I'm sorry but you cant. I know you love her and you want to see her and spend time with her but your sick Ryan," she whispered. My eyes filled up with tears. I knew she was right. I wanted more then anything in this whole world to see her that day but how could I. I know she would have loved being with me and I know we would have had a blast, but sooner or later I would start feeling bad again and she would have realized. I laid down on the floor with my head on my moms lap and cried every tear I had left inside me.
"I want to go see her, I want to be with her," I cried. I didn't know what felt worst at that moment, the fact that my stomach was rolling up into knots or that I ached to see her.
"You'll have plenty of chances. I know you promised her you'd go but if she loves you then she'll understand." I closed my eyes as my mom talked on about how I need to get better in order to see her because I was hurting her being sick this way and I couldn't put her into any more pain then she already was experiencing. It wasn't fair to her. I listened to my mom talk while tears ran down my cheeks. She talked for about an hour before she helped me get up and get into bed. I laid in bed and waited for her to come lay with me. I curled up in my moms arms forming a small ball with my body. As I cried, she kept stroking my hair, pulling it back, away from my face. "Do you believe in her love for you," she asked me.
"I do," I cried
"Then don't worry. Tell her what happened and she'll understand," she whispered as she kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and fell asleep in her arms.
Later on that day I was taken to the hospital. I stayed at that hospital for six days running tests. I would have stayed for only two days if I didn't have a seizure my first night there. I didn't tell Viri what had actually happened because for starters I knew she wouldn't believe me and she'd think I just didn't want to go and see her, and two because I didn't want her to worry about me. I told her I had to be rushed to the hospital but I was okay and that I couldn't go because i had to stay there. I know she didn't believe me, I could feel it, but she didn't say anything. I was really sick and they had found three spots inside of me that had to be treated in a matter of days or else I could have died. I had a lot of chemo while I was there and I had a small operation too. I didn't tell her though. I let it go.
When Viri came back from camp I noticed she wasn't the same. Something had happened but I was afraid to ask what. A couple of weeks passed before she hit me with the news. She told me she wanted a break which ment she wanted to leave me, no, she was leaving me. My heart tore into a billion pieces and collapsed on the floor. She kept swearing that it was because she didn't want to go behind her parents back anymore but I knew it wasn't that. It was another guy, I was absolutely sure she had met someone at camp. It was ether that or the fact that I didn't go and she thought that I was lying about being at the hospital. I never hurt so much like I did that moment. My heart gasped for air and couldn't find any. My eyes filled with water. I felt my heart slow down and skip beats as if it were dry and useless. I tried to take a deep breath but I couldn't breath. I tried to stand up and my legs were to weak. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
That night I laid on my bed all night trying to feel my heart beat. It wasn't a normal beating. Every beat hurt.