Don't mind me

Part 9

What Leads Someone to Want to Take Their Life?

I have come to believe there are three common reasons people want to kill themselves. You may identify with one or with all of them. Personally, I have contemplated suicide over all of three.

Severe Pain Caused by Abuse/Trauma (Rape, War, Assault)

This type of pain is acute, but can also be chronic. It can be a debilitating type of pain that keeps you locked in a world of constant hyper-vigilance, trying to survive. If you have been a victim of childhood abuse, domestic abuse, or have been raped or subjected to the ravages of war, then you know what this suicidal ideation looks and feels like.

I identified with this pain from my teenage years up until my early to mid-twenties. If the only feelings you have are pain, anger, and hurt and they are all turned inward, you will do anything to find relief, and the thought of suicide will become your constant companion.

Emotional Reactions to Specific Situations (Divorce, Death, Breakups)

When you go through the death of a loved one, or your spouse cheats on you and leaves you for someone else, you may feel useless, empty, and betrayed. Feeling unworthy can lead you to contemplate doing something that you normally wouldn't do.

I experienced this a few years ago when I found out my boyfriend was actually not who he said he was, and had not only another girlfriend, but a wife and a child.

I felt like such an idiot because I thought he really cared. I thought there must have been something wrong with me that he was able to manipulate me so easily. I thought there was no point in going on. Many nights I would stare at the gun on my bedside table. Journaling is the only thing that kept me going.

Constant Feelings of Hopelessness (Depression, Apathy)

This type of pain is quite scary because it is a smart and well-thought-out pain. It isn't rash and isn't a reaction to something that happened. This pain is insidious. It seeps into your subconscious and gets you slowly thinking that there's no point to life.

Yes, I've felt this type of pain. From my late twenties until just recently there were many days when I would wake up and say to myself, "Maybe today is the day." I would make plans for when and how I would do it. I would weigh the pros and the cons.

I had gotten to a point where I no longer cared, but I wasn't really in pain. I was apathetic to the world around me and more importantly, to my own heart. I no longer cared to live. I was not experiencing joy. I didn't care about anything. I had no passion. Perhaps you understand what I'm talking about.