shawshank

2021- feint

When all else fails
And the sun has set
Move on from your struggles
With really no regret.

(At least, that's how I thought it would go).

But the trust that has broken
Has not been repaired
And as much as one can dream,
It never lives without few tears
(from then on; the rips created by struggles of past make trouble for the future that ever shall last)

When nothing went array
My self searched for the wrong
About a perfectly normal situation
If for no reason cept I expected to find long (-past redemptions of money not being stolen, perhaps misplaced, but one can never tell)

And i read a popular love story
About two grown boys online
But the thing that stuck with me
Wasnt the testimonies of their love,

but the pain that they put each other through
& how one wanted to ruin them both to rid himself of the confusion and pain.
Sometimes that's how i feel, like it would be better just to be alone. To not cause anyone strife. And if that reflects how introverted i become, no matter. If my texts remain unanswered i can just listen to sad music and waste away a little further, because id rather fall apart myself than cause others to worry for me.

But sometimes the feeling of being weak gets old, so i stop feeling at all and lose myself in my daydreams that are swarmed with angst and prevent full misfortune. My assignments will keep me company, keep my thoughts at bay; well at least for a while, not right now. Not today.

Because it's 12:07 in the morning and im at a loss for seclusion. I'll hide myself from the people who know my face when the sun rises and i do, too, with just enough rest. . .

It's to the point where sleeping doesn't seem as nice as sitting in my bed and writing about how my head takes control of my mind and i spiral until class. When my friends (how many are actually friends? Objectively speaking, i may currently only have one good friend, but even i dont tell her everything,,, honesty is important to me, another part of the story i read that i can relate to but does not get requited as it does in the story, but i guess i cant complain because i hide away when i become the antagonist of my mind, too) hang out with me, im never really there.

And although that may not seem like the case in the moment for me nor them, when we part a certain pain twinges through my chest. Im not as used to people staying as i wish i was. People leave my life more often than they should, perhaps. I dont like being left for others, but is the way of life.

( c'est la vie )

"You've got a friend in me..." later on the song speaks of friendship never ending. It hurt to hear my best friend say "until they do end," but i guess there may be something about me that draws people in... makes them feel safe. Then like a snake to its prey, swallows them whole or squeezes them so tight they suffocate and fade away.

It consumes them, and this scares me.

What is it about my positivity that i share that makes people antsy? About the senseless quips i make about my problems to cope? There's a danger that lurks in the shadows of my sun that raise their ugly heads once someone gets too close.. the angst that ebbs and fades through the experiences that i condone and the sad that feels make believe at times, even to me, is what im afraid shoos them off.

I cant quite remember where i was going with this. I began to get so deep into the roots of my problems that i spent 11 minutes writing the past bit out. I think i may try to sleep (i know i will in the end, as much as i dont feel like doing so), but i know my head will keep spinning. Thats why i listen to music, because the lyrics keep my thoughts tamed. But it's late, and my mom cant sleep with words in music, i dont think.

I hope youre all better off than i am; there is no true measure for troubles, and for that i am grateful. Perhaps someday i will let this all go. But until then i will live with my demons and break bread with my ghosts; time and time again as they cause mischief in my life and as they grow and feed, i will hope to beat them to the ground.
(But their saplings of terror will bloom again one day, as sure as the sun will rise)

Adieu