The Attempt

Genrose

I look around my room that I'll be stuck in for at least a week. It's simple, has a lot of space, and is nice I guess. My nurse brings me in food, but I can't eat. One because I'm too depressed to eat and Two that shit looks nasty. After a little while of me sitting there and playing with my food, the fun begins.
My nurse comes back and gives me homework. I get to fill out two papers about why and how I did what I did. I start writing about my shit life at my dads, the stress, the depression, and everything that consumes me. I stay in my room all day and then the first night comes. How am I suppose to sleep here?? Especially with someone checking on me every 15 stupid minutes. Of course I start crying again and end up crying myself to sleep.
- The Next Morning -
My team wakes me up in the morning with more blood drawing. Fuck you. And they ask my questions. "Any thoughts of suicide?" I say "No" when in my head all I can think about is killing myself, but I don't want to be here longer, so I have to act like I regret what I did.
- Time Pass -
Yay, my first group meeting. All girls who are actually super nice so that's good. But the leader is an annoying bitch. We talk about how to control our emotions and what to do when we feel ourselves lose control. (Cue eye roll)
OOO and guess what? More homework. This is going to get old fast.
- Time Pass -
My aunt did call me which helped a lot, I miss her and she made me feel a little better. I wish I could get a hug though. That's what I really need. My mom came to visit that night too so I did get my hug. It was sad but nice to not be alone for a little while. After she left we watched a movie which I guess we do every night before it's lights out time, so that's nice I guess.
- After The Movie -
Now I get to cry myself to sleep again. How is this suppose to help my depression and suicidal thoughts??
- Next Morning -
Same thing. "Any suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of harming yourself?"
"None" (in my head screaming) YES!!
It's the same thing today, we learn about control, how to fix our mindset, and how to improve our lives. The thing is though I can't improve my life, because after I'm out of here I still have to go back to my dads where I'm going to be miserable all over again.
I still can barely eat and I here my nurse is talking to my dad on the phone to give him information. And I got to talk to him it lasted like 2 minutes though and he barely said shot to me. He did said he'd come to visit though, which I'm actually surprisingly happy about.
- Wednesday -
Today is the day I'm suppose to see my dad after not seeing him for 5 days. I wait and wait and watch the time tick by. He didn't show.
Really sad, you are suppose to be my father and be there for me. You abandoned me. Fuck you. I run to my room and start crying, hard. I start to have a panic attack and I can't breathe. One of my nurses comes in and has the audacity to try to turn this into a learning moment and make me do homework as I'm bawling. Screw you bitch. I wanted to slap her so fucking bad. I fell asleep after that, I was just so emotionally drained. What dad does that to their own daughter. How am I suppose to want to live when my OWN DAD hates me and couldn't give 2 shits about me. Fuck this. That night I dreamt about death and cried in my sleep.
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Hey all, thank you for reading part 2. There will be one more part and I'll publish it when it's done. I'm sorry for anyone who had to go through or is going through what I did or something similar. You all are important, loved, and valued. Never give up!