Tides of Fate | ᴍᴀʀᴀᴜᴅᴇʀs ᴇʀᴀ

24 | His Anchor

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-- FALCON QUIDDITCH STADIUM

James had been at quidditch practice when he got the news. At first, he'd been baffled by the rouge owl following him around in the air. Usually, owls went and waited at his home. Even if they did show up to the pitch, they'd wait in the safety of the stands or near the locker rooms. Eventually, he took a weak bludger to the gut to protect the bloody frenzied bird. That was when his coach benched him for the day, citing that the reserve chasers needed a chance to practice anyway. 

On any usual day, this wouldn't have bothered him. But today, he'd been grateful for the distraction and exhaustion that a long quidditch practice brought. In fact, all week, he'd been pushing his body to its furthest limits on the quidditch pitch. His coach had probably noticed and taken any excuse to send the overworked player home to get some rest. But the wizard in question wasn't happy to be sent packing early. 

Home this past week had turned into a tense and uncomfortable swamp rather than the peaceful sanctuary it had been before. Ever since the pivotal night of truth or dare, James and Lily had been off sorts with each other. They talked things out that very night- if there was one thing they learned in their adult relationship, it was the importance of clear communication. James admitted he had no idea Carina felt that way, and he told Lily about the night of the ball when Carina said the only moment which he might've thought might be genuine between them was actually caused by her nostalgia of Lucius Malfoy. Lily told him about her fears that they really had caught feelings and the guilt she felt for impeding on her friend. 

They went to bed that night, snuggled up and trying to close the sudden gap between them. Yet, the gap didn't go away. If anything, it grew in the following week of disquiet. Lily never asked James if he'd liked Carina at the time or if he still cared for her- she was too scared of the answer. James never asked Lily what Carina said when they talked that night. 

And in that week, James's frustration with the whole situation grew. He loved Lily- he did! In fact, being with her had matured him into the man he was today. Being in a serious, functioning, adult relationship took work and effort. With Lily, he learned the importance of communication and devotion. She could still give him butterflies when she smiled at him. When he was with her, he flew in the clouds. What he'd never tell his wife, though, was that there was a point when he'd also felt deeper rumblings of affection for Carina. It happened at a point when he was losing hope in Lily ever returning his feelings. And while he'd been disheartened and self-conscious at the time, it was Carina who helped him remember that he was worth loving even without needing to change. She taught him that he was enough. He remembered being acutely disappointed when he learned that the one electric moment they'd shared during the ball was really just a product of her lingering feelings for Lucius Malfoy. But this recent revelation made him question even that. Had she been lying then too? Was that moment real? 

And the more he thought about it, the angrier he became. While he was frustrated with Carina for not telling him the truth back then, he could ultimately understand her reasoning. He'd only stopped mooning over Lily when he was hopelessly discouraged and feared she would never return his feelings. Carina's actions could be chalked up to self-preservation. But Remus and Sirius? James felt deeply betrayed that they'd never told him. He was even more enraged that Sirius had looked him in the eye that night and so confidently asked, "would it have changed anything," as if he was so certain it wouldn't. His best mate had even warned him he was rushing into his wedding! The puzzling words and cloaked cautions suddenly made sense in the light of the truth. And James hated him all the more for it. 

Would it have changed anything? Well, there was certainly no point in thinking about it now, was there? He'd chosen Lily, and if there was one thing James Potter always stuck by, it was his devotion to his choices.