Twisted Words

I'm fine.

"Ready to go home, Ash?" My mom says as I get into the wheelchair to be wheeled out of the hospital. I chuckle and nod excitedly.

When I get to the car, I see Adrian's old pair of crutches in the backseat and my dad in the front.

"Asher," he acknowledges as Mom starts to drive off.

"Mark." I cross my arms and stay silent as he gives a stern lecture on "respecting your elders." I roll my eyes and text Karmen. She's supposed to be at school, but her mom let her stay home so she could take care of me.

I'm taken away from my thoughts by a stern voice. "Asher Elijah. Get out of the car." I nod and stumble around, almost falling a few times before Adrian puts the crutch pads underneath me.

"Dad! They can't walk, remember? They don't have a leg!" My eyes go wide, it's the first time I've heard Adrian raise his voice at Mark. But of course, he's Mark's favorite, so he doesn't get in trouble. I do my best to make it up the stairs to my room, Adrian right behind me in case I slip. He helps me into bed, propping me up with pillows-so I can do my schoolwork-as Karmen fixes me some Mac-n-Cheese downstairs so I can take my meds. I groan, I smell it from here. I don't want to eat at all, but I know Adrian will get suspicious.

She brings it up and sits it down in my lap. Okay brain. We can do this. It's just a little bit of food. Looks about half a cup- 125 calories-Numbers. The only thing I was better at than Adrian. I've memorized practically every food label out there. It used to be for Adrian's old peanut allergy, but he grew out of that. Now, it's to know how much I put in my body. My disgusting, ugly body. Filled with scars, stretch marks, for Christ's sake- cellulite. I instinctively push the bowl away and face away from them. I feel Karmen's warm touch on my back as she shoos Adrian away.

"Ash? You okay?" I smile and mumble a quick, "I'm fine." 

"Asher, I know it's really hard to eat right now with everything going on, but I need you to at least take two bites of this, okay? Just two, then we can stop for a little bit and try again." I look up at her, tears threatening to spill.

"I c-can't," I manage before the sobs start to overwhelm my body. I hyperventilate, a panic attack starting. I shakily hold onto Karmen, needing something to ground me back to reality. Breathe, breathe, breathe. In, out, in, out. She wraps her arms around me tightly.

"Ash, Asher, hey, I'm right here, I'm right here." She lifts a glass of ice water to my lips for me to drink and I oblige. The coldness shocks my brain, giving me the chance to finally calm down. 

"Better?" She asks. I nod and go back to staring at the bowl. I know I need it, I know I need to eat. And I'm hungry, too. I'm starving. But I can't bring myself to put more crap in my body. Everyone says I'm skinny, but they're lying. They're lying. Even Karmen. But I'm smart, I know how to make people  think I've eaten, even if I haven't, while sitting in front of them. I know my BMI limit. As long as it's 16 or above, I'm fine, and right now-as a 5'11", 115 pound AMAB- it's 16.04. As long as I maintain this and don't go down even just a pound, I'm fine. I'm fine.

"Here, close your eyes," Karmen instructs as she makes a bite for me on my fork. I do as she says, knowing I have no choice. She feeds me three forkfuls before I push her away.

"You said at least two, three is more than two." She nods sadly and sits it on Adrian's nightstand-completely out of my sight. She replaces the space on my empty lap with my English work.

"This is the class with the most work, so I thought we'd st-"

"No," I say firmly. "I'm not doing English right now. Miss Chase has it out for me! She gives me so much more work!"

"Have you told Ashlynne?" Of course, I should've known Karmen would bring up Ashlynne. The school psychologist... and my older sister. Who just so happens, to also be Tristan's (Karmen's brother) wife. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, but she just has...so much on her plate. Balancing her work with her studies, all while living with someone who has psychotic depression and occasionally goes off his meds (looking at you, Tristan). She doesn't need to worry about me, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I shake my head. "I can deal with it, she doesn't need anything else to worry about."

"Does she at least know about Mark?" I shake my head again.

"And you can't tell her, okay? You can't!" She backs away and puts her hands up in defense.

"I won't say a word, I promise." I smile and go back to sulking over my English work. Looks like... five essays, twenty-five worksheets, three book reports, and the final exam. "What-and I mean this in the most respectful way possible-the hell?" Karmen looks over my shoulder and gasps.

"That's not fair to you! That's less work than what we're doing in-person, lemme look at it, I'll help."

"Later, okay? It's almost time for you to go, we can work on it when you get home from school tomorrow." I smile and blush. We'd been dating for two years, known each other for eight, but I still get flustered when I talk to her.

She checks her phone for the time before gathering up her things. "Ash, before I leave, you have to promise me you'll eat dinner tonight." I groan and my cheeks grow hot and ache just from the mention of eating. "You'll be okay, I promise. I love you."

"Love you too, Kar." I smile sadly when she walks out.