☆Faith☆ (A Series Of Poems)

Closure

I thought you would get it

I really did

I've dealt with it once or twice

The whole spiel about how I hope you don't hate me and I wish you well on any future journeys

I didn't expect you of all people

To beg on your knees

Pray to god screaming "Please"

That I don't leave you

Not after you called me "darling"

I didn't expect

For this to be the end

I always wanted you to want me

But this isn't how I pictured it

I thought we'd be in school

I thought we'd be so close

Not that we're one year in a pandemic and all of a sudden you want to take me in car rides and become something much more

Where did all this comes from

It all makes no sense

We haven't spoken in over a year

Why do you so desperately want me to keep being your friend

I thought a text would be closure

I thought my paragraphs made enough sense

I didn't think you'd end up gaslighting me

Into making me want to stay friends

Our time is long gone

And maybe I should've seen it sooner

I should've blocked you back then

I should have read the signs clearer

That you knew that I liked you

That you were struggling too

That you actually trusted me

And it wasn't some twisted mind game to you

And maybe it's my fault

For seeking closure for something so small

The way that I liked you

And all the questions that would always circle my thoughts

So I'm sorry that I hurt you

But I didn't want to be the girl who only ever left you on read

I didn't want to set you up for how I used to feel in the past

And maybe I am overreacting

for something so small

maybe ending the friendship wasn't what I wanted at all

But when you said darling

I knew it was all wrong

You're not the same boy I once hoped would become mine

Wrote poems about and would cry about at night

Though it's clear we were never compatible

So I'm glad I got out quick

Arguing over me being too dramatic isn't the closure I had on my wishlist

So go ahead and think what you think

After all, you claim to have so many friendships

I'm sorry I'm not who you wanted me to be

I'm sorry you only like the idealized version of me

I'm sorry you left the first time

That I left the last 2 times

This closure ended up being a dumpster fire

Written on: March 31, 2021

It's been a hell of the last 24 hours. Turns out my high school crush knew I liked him and is now, for some reason, willing to see if I still like him if we go out. No thanks "buddy". My feelings about this guy were never straightened out, but at least I tried to get closure. What happened happened, and I should just be glad I was brave and assertive enough to take a stance on how I felt. I didn't want things to end up as shit. I just wanted to thank him for his kindness and friendship. Somehow that steered into "don't leave me" and "I care about you, that's why im responding"

I know in some eyes it can and will seem I'm the bad guy. There was no real reason to end the friendship. It's more of just the age difference and growing out of it. (Im still a junior and he's a freshmen in college.) We all have friendships where we grow out of it and it just seems like not friendships bcuz its been so long. I guess I ended up doing the opposite of what my therapist recommended. Instead of trying to further the relationship, I just tore it down. Which is sort of what i wanted all along. i dont understand why he made it a point of contention.