Life Update-btw I don't really write anymore hahahAHAHAH

I’m in love. I’m in love with the life God gave me, I’m in love with my friends, I’m in love with a boy, but most importantly, I have fallen in love with myself. I have learned that I can’t love the first two people without loving the third—myself. 

I’m finally happy. I’m finally happy with my body, I’m finally happy with my music, I’m finally happy with my swimming, I’m finally happy with my friends. I have learned that I can’t be happy if I overlook the already happy things within my life. 

I’m busy, and I’m okay with that. I’m busy writing songs, I’m busy going to swim practices, I’m busy being with the people I love, I’m busy watching Friends. I have learned that being busy is also called being productive, and other people do not control your own personal schedule or productivity. 

But I’m also scared. I’m scared that the boy I’ve fallen in love with will suddenly decide I’m not what he wanted, I’m scared of what I’ve gotten myself into, I’m scared of what might happen. I’m scared that I’m not on the right path, I’m scared that the things I’ve invested time in will not last, I’m scared that I might fail. I’m scared of the years ahead, I’m scared that age will float me away from people I do love and do not want to leave. 

Isn’t this a part of growing up? Isn’t this a part of being a teenager, finally realizing that you have everything you want but then scaring it all away again with fears and what ifs? 

I was in the car with my dad today, and he said something that made me think: “Isabelle, I’ve noticed that in the past five weeks you’ve been…different. You’re on your own. You’re moody. I’m not used to this Isabelle.”

It hadn’t occurred to me that this whole time that I had been finding myself and savoring independence and being with friends that I hadn’t though to take my parents along for the journey. But then he went on: “And I thought maybe you were just tired. But then I started thinking that you’ve just started to grow up and develop your own private life that I don’t need to have access to.”

Then I was scared. I didn’t realize that when I was finding myself, I was finding the myself I’d be stuck with for the rest of my life. The life that I would eventually be all mine, the one where I wouldn’t have to delete browser history or worry about doors being opened, and for some reason—I was frightened, yet delighted. 

And maybe because that scared me so much, I haven’t really found myself yet. That’s okay. I’ll be the me I am for right now, and it might not be the same one 5 or 10 years from now. I hope the same people are there, but maybe not. I’m going to focus on the things that mean the most to me right now, and I’m going to keep writing songs about being in love. I’m going to keep telling people I love them and skipping warm ups in swimming, because those are the things that give me joy. Those are the things that make me forget that I don’t truly know who I am yet or what I’m doing with my life. 

I’m in love, I’m happy, I’m busy, and I’m scared. But I’m more blessed and lucky than anything else.