It started with a text. Or rather it started with me trying on my new undies. The ones that show the bottom of my cheeks or a whole lot of hipbone depending on how I shift them up or down. They make me feel sexy. Or sexual at least. But I'm a guy and I'm not supposed to feel that way. Well that just makes it sexier doesn't it? The secret of it. Looking in my mirror I can see exposed skin on either sides of where it cradles my bulge. It makes me feel like I want someone to touch it, but I guess it'll just be me.
The text came later. She and I hadn't spoken in a while. I don't suppose that's significant. She says she just doesn't text much. I think we used to more, but it's hard to remember that far back. My memories aren't reliable anyway. Neither are my feelings. Valid sure. maybe. but not to be trusted. I texted her first. Well. Sent text via Snapchat, and she took a while to respond. She didn't leave me on read, but what does that mean anyway. People stare at their phones constantly, so one act of ignoring is no less than another if you ask me. But she did respond eventually and there was some light banter about headaches and their possible link to McDonald's. She said, "I don't know what gives me headaches"
"lack of me"
I almost added a laugh, but I got lazy about it, or maybe there was more to it. Anyway I hit send, and there was some pause before,
"You always say stuff like that"
(Uh oh. What could she mean by that? Could she sense something I thought was well hidden even from myself?)
"Like what?"
"Flirtatious stuff"
(So she could sense it. My feelings for her had lasted a long time, not dying out, but devolving to a low dull ache in my chest whenever I saw or thought too much about her. She was off limits. Even the conversation was off limits. So I couldn't start it now.
"I'm sorry"
What was that? An admission? If it was it was somber, mournful. And it didn't convey anything important about how I felt. Just that I was wont to be flirtatious at times and wasn't above including my friends whether or not they wanted that vague, easily deniable harassment. But that wasn't me. Sure it had been me at times, but I was getting better about it. What this was was so different. It wasn't even conscious. To feel so strongly that it just slips out in subtle ways? It couldn't benefit me. Couldn't lead to anything. All it could do was alleviate a modicum of pressure from a valve ready to burst. But the sensation only served to remind me there was a problem, to break me out of the reverie I allowed to be induced by the vibration it caused, so yeah even that wasn't desirable. but OH how I did desire it. In fact, now that I feel it in full, I want it BAD.
But she isn't saying anything else.
But I want her to.
"I feel like you want to say something"
Flawless. Now I'll scan for any hint at how she feels for me. That would be even better than my own admissions.
"I feel like YOU want to say something"
Shit.
She betrays nothing in herself. She reveals nothing. I feel cold and unloved. And not wanting to know the depth of that unloving.
"I'm not being this way on purpose. And no I can't say anything, because whenever I do, it always makes things worse and I know that sounds emo or whatever they're calling it now, but it's true."
That was a little bit cringe, but honesty is the best policy, especially when you're lying...
"You can tell me anything. I won't punish you. You can tell me you love me. You can tell me you hate me. You can say what you feel, and I won't let it ruin our friendship or how I feel."
LOTS to unpack here. Okay, so pretty poetic honestly. I'm impressed. She's so reserved usually. This is a good thing even if it isn't a good sign. Also though, the love line right off the bat? Not even a soft, "like". Does that mean she suspects something close to the intensity I do feel, or is she just naming two polar sides of a spectrum.
"Won't let it ruin our friendship or..." OR. If she had stopped at friendship, my stomach would have dropped and my heart would have stopped. But she didn't, and what's more she said " or how I feel" Is this beautiful phrase not purposefully separate from the mention of our friendship? Sure it's only a word away, but what a word it is. "OR" meaning "these things on either side of me are so distinct, you might find them whole worlds apart. A friendship is for friends, but feelings are not concerning friends. They're too complex. They must apply to one whom my heart loves.
I'm overthinking again. I always do. And I'm wasting time thinking because I need to reply.
"Thank you"
It's quick. And true. And it gives me more time to send another
"Honestly that means everything to me"
"You're welcome" she responds, but doesn't pry. She isn't the type to, and she probably would let this die here, tonight, if I dropped it.
But I don't dare let it slip, not now that I've found the smallest of knots to hang tight to.
But I imagine us suddenly in a more intimate zone, and I think how much more organic and free this could be.
"Do you think we could talk about it in person..."
Sounds too ominous. She spooks easily. I'll add...
"I want to see you."
And what's come over me that I would be so brave as to...
"I miss you"
SEND.
Oh lord, I pray. And I mean it. I never say it in vain. But boy do I say it often. Invoking some power beyond that will steer my life in better ways than I can. The harder I try, the harder I crash.
"Tonight?"
"Yes."
I fight the urge to say "or whenever". My desire to be accommodating is not always advantageous. I'm learning that.
"Okay"
A bite! Or have I reeled her in? A fisher of women assigns meaning to his own fishing metaphor. Sleeping with someone, presumably, fits the bill for some. Marriage for another. Whatever be the ultimate goal is the catch of the day, but what was my goal? I still didn't know. Even now.
