it's the 7th that means there's 14 days until your birthday, it's gonna be so weird because for the last 2 years every april 21st i'm texting you "happy birthday maxy, i love you❤️" but this year i won't be, i just wish we didn't grow apart and that you didn't leave me, but that's the past now i guess, i thought i was getting better after everything that's happened these last 9 months, the last 6 though have been hell so many things have happened death, broken hearts, lost friendships i wish i could tell you all about it but i can't and i'm still trying to figure out how to be okay with that, i'm also still trying to get used to life without you, but i guess it's gonna take some time to learn to live without you in my life because you were a constant for 3 years, something that no matter what was always there and on my side, i miss those days where you would spam me with your nickname for me until i answered then you'd always say good morning, how did you sleep?<3" then that night you'd say "good night, i love you" then over time that all faded first you stopped using hearts, then you stopped typing out i love you instead you would text ily, then you stopped saying good morning instead saying gm, then you stopped saying good morning all together, then you stopped saying good night i love you, instead you would say night ly, then just like with good morning you'd stopped all together, then you stopped saying i love you first, then you stopped starting conversations, then you stopped answering my facetimes, then that's when i knew i lost you, and for a while i tried to hold on to you, then i realized it was time to pull away and let you leave if you wanted to, and you left but i wish that you stayed, because maybe i wouldn't feel like this, maybe i'd smile a little more and smoke a little less, maybe i'd feel more, maybe i wouldn't be taking letting r go so hard, maybe i'd be more okay with leaving r but i'm not, i'm hurt and broken, i don't leave my room anymore, i drag through the days, the weeks, the months like a robot, everyone thinks i'm happy but i only laugh and smile so much because i'm high all the time, being high is like escape from reality but then when the highs gone everything comes crashing down on top of you again, then your stuck drowning unless you smoke more, well my current high is fading, time to smoke some more...
i love you max
