wisteria ; a collection

hold onto me - mafuyu x uenoyama

rated : general
key tags : angst and fluff, nightmares, hurt/comfort
synopsis : ritsuka faces a hard time with mafuyu still coping with yuki's death.

•••

Nights are the hardest for Ritsuka. But not because of the piercing December cold, or the sleeping Kedama cuddled up against his side in an uncomfortable (but too cute to resist) manner. It's because Mafuyu, his boyfriend, keeps whispering the name of his late ex-boyfriend in his sleep, while he hugs Ritsuka's back.

It happens more in winters than at any other time. Probably because it was around this time that incident occurred. Ritsuka has been understanding. He understands that the wound is still fresh. He understands that it will take a lot of time for that gaping hole to close up. He even understands that Yuki might not ever leave Mafuyu's life completely. He gets it. But what is he going to do about the pain he feels in his chest when he hears Mafuyu whisper Yuki's name while sleeping so lovingly on his chest? What is he going to do about the ugly feelings that take over him in those moments? He hates those feelings, but at the same time, he thinks it's only natural to feel like this? Isn't it?

"Yu.. ki... Don't leave... me..." Mafuyu whimpers, clutching Ritsuka's sleep shirt tightly in his fist. He can't sleep like this so he tries to focus on Mafuyu's face. It's too dark to see. It's the middle of the night after all. But he can still somewhat trace Mafuyu's features in the subtle moonlight seeping through the window.

Mafuyu doesn't look comfortable, but he doesn't look particularly distressed either. His lips were quivering and he was sweating a bit too, despite it being winter. Ritsuka wonders if he's calling Yuki out of love or out of desperation- if it's even a good dream or a nightmare. A small part of Ritsuka hopes it's a good dream, no matter how much it kills him to imagine Mafuyu with any other man. But he doesn't want to see Mafuyu in pain, dream or not. He only wants good things for him.

"Don't... go... Come back..." He whimpers again, snuggling even closer to Ritsuka, dragging the tip of his nose against his neck with gentle pressure.

Ritsuka almost believes that Mafuyu thinks he's hugging Yuki instead of him. Almost- because he doesn't want to lose so easily.

"Hey..." Ritsuka laces his fingers in those auburn locks, wanting to wake Mafuyu up, to relieve him of whatever dream he was seeing. But for some reason when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. Mafuyu only buried his head deeper into the crook of Ritsuka's neck, clutching his clothes tighter in his little fist.

"No... I won't... let you go..." Mafuyu croaked. Ritsuka shut his eyes to stop the tears from welling up and falling from his eyes.

He never knew he could feel so much for someone. He always thought he was the aloof type, not really caring much about things like love and relationships. But he never expected someone like Mafuyu to break that delusion. Mafuyu had defiled him, made him feel like a mess- and he did it ever so innocently, it almost felt evil. Ever since Ritsuka met him, his emotions have been all over the place. Mafuyu is dangerous, he agrees, but he's the kind of danger that Ritsuka is addicted to.

So he stays quiet. He lets Mafuyu think he's with his first love instead of him. He lets Yuki take over Mafuyu's dreams. It pains him, it pains him so much. Every time Yuki's name slips from Mafuyu's mouth, Ritsuka feels like he's been stabbed in the heart with an unsharp knife. But he understands, and he believes that one day- maybe one day- Mafuyu will stop calling for Yuki in his sleep and dream of him instead.

>

"Shouldn't you talk to him about this?" Haruki says, when Ritsuka comes to him for consultation one day, unable to keep all of this only to himself any longer.