If The Warblers Were Sander Sides

The One And Lonely Chapter (What? Freudian Slip)

Host: I have a problem

Jeff, who has not slept in three days: Oh no! Are you feeling okay? Have you been taking care of yourself? Sleep schedules are important you know-

Nick: Oh my god if you don't have a good sleep schedule you'll fuck up your body, and then you'll get disoriented, and dizzy, and you'll be forgetful, and you'll forget to drink water, and then if you forget to drink water and well we all know the 3-3-3 rule so you'll be dead in days but too disoriented to do anything about it or call a doctor-

Sebastian: Hey! Let him talk.

Host: So, I have a crush on this guy, and he likes me back, but my parents wouldn't be okay with it, so I don't know what to do. Do I reject him even though I really want to date him? Or date him and risk my parents kicking me out?

Wes: Don't tell them.

Host: What?

Wes: Tell him your parents are homophobic. Tell him you have to keep it a secret. Lie to your parents about it and say you aren't dating anyone.

Nick: But they could catch him!

Wes: Not if he lies well.

David: Somehow, I'm on Deceit's side in this. Explain to your crush that you have to convince your parents that you're still trapped in their ivory tower when in reality your white knight had helped you escape.

Jeff: But- but lying is bad!

Sebastian: Lying is preferable to being kicked out.

Jeff: But we don't have to do either! If we tell him we aren't interested, then we don't get in trouble!

Sebastian: Telling him we aren't interested is a lie.

Jeff: Well- wh- y-

Kurt, filing his nails with a sword: Just, uhh, fuckin' kill them.

Everyone: *silent*

Host, turning to him: Sorry?

Kurt, not even looking up: I dunno. They suck. Kill 'em and the problem is permanently solved.

Sebastian: If we 'killed 'em' then we wouldn't have this problem, yes, but we would have several others, since we would have murdered two people.

Kurt: Frame it as an accident.

Wes: And now we're back to lying.

Jeff: I got it! Tell him you can't be in a relationship right now, because that isn't a lie! It'd be too stressful and you'd either lie or get kicked out!

David, distraught: And break the poor man's heart? He deserves better than that!

Jeff: I don't want to hurt him!

David: Great! Then we ask him out.

Kurt, quiet: Kill them.

Jeff: But I don't want to do that either!

David: Why not?

Nick: Like he said, either we lie to our parents and go behind their backs which they'll definitely find out about anyway, or we get kicked out and shunned and hated by our parents and they'll probably hurt us in both scenarios and everything's ruined either way because we're doomed and have been since birth!

Kurt, sing-song: Killll themmmm.

Jeff, hugging Nick: Hey, shh, it's alright. I'm not letting them make the wrong decision.

David: For the last time, there is no wrong decision!

Kurt, opening mouth:

David: Except murder! Murder is the only wrong decision.

Kurt: How welcoming to new ideas are you?

David: It's not new, this is your solution to every problem.

Sebastian: Falsehood. Though a common solution, this is not his only solution. Only last week when we were called a slur for being flamboyantly gay he suggested we mail the offender an envelope full of loose glitter.

Kurt, smiling: That was one of my prouder moments.

Jeff: Aw, and you should be proud, kiddo. It was a nice, harmless little way to blow off steam!

David: Okay, but, whatever, it's a common solution. If we kill anyone who crosses us, we would be like, like...

Kurt: Jeffrey Dahmer?

David: *Deep sigh* Unfortunately, yes.