Section 1: Language
Sub-Section 1: General Language, Written and Spoken
Clause 1: A Nerd, by definition, must speak in the most complicated, sophisticated, scientific, specific, etc. language that comes to mind at the given moment.
Example of Complicated Language: Whereas a normal person would say: “Grandma, your eyes are big.”, a nerd must say something that resembles the following: “Grandmother, your ocular implements are of an extraordinary order of magnitude.” (From Russell Baker’s essay: “Little Red Riding Hood Revisited”)
EXCEPTION: This rule may be broken when it is absolutely essential that the listener and/or reader understand fully what it is that you are talking about in a short period of time.
EXCEPTION: This rule may be broken when the Nerd is insulting another person.
EXCEPTION TO EXCEPTION: This rule may NOT be broken when the Nerd is insulting another Nerd. (See Clause 2 of Sub-Section 1).
Example of Sophisticated Language: Whereas a normal person would say: “Hey, my name’s John.”, a nerd must always say something that resembles the following: “Greetings and salutations, I am known by the name of John.”
EXCEPTION: This rule may be broken when it is absolutely essential that the listener and/or reader understand fully what it is that you are talking about in a short period of time.
EXCEPTION: This rule may be broken when the Nerd is insulting another person.
EXCEPTION TO EXCEPTION: This rule may NOT be broken when the Nerd is insulting another Nerd. (See Clause 2 of Sub-Section 1).
Example of Scientific Language: Whereas a normal person would say: “Oh my God, I’m screwed.”, a nerd must always say something that resembles the following: “Oh dear deity whose plausible existence is currently being debated, I am attached to another object in space-time by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.” (Second quote fused together from quotes from the American television sitcom “The Big Bang Theory”)
Example of Scientific Language: If you see that most children cry when they fall down, most people will say something along these lines: “Most children cry when they fall down.” If they are feeling especially scientific or nerdy, they may say: “I have observed that most children cry when they fall down.” However, a true nerd must say something that resembles the following: “Methodological observations of the sociometrical behaviour tendencies of prematured isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrymatory, or ‘crying’ behaviour forms.” (Quote from Dave Barry’s essay “On College”)
NOTE: The television comedy sitcom “The Big Bang Theory” is useful for this form of language--much of what Sheldon Cooper says is highly acceptable--in fact, it is recommended.
EXCEPTION: This rule may be broken when it is absolutely essential that the listener and/or reader understand fully what it is that you are talking about in a short period of time.
EXCEPTION: This rule may be broken when the Nerd is insulting another person.
EXCEPTION TO EXCEPTION: This rule may NOT be broken when the Nerd is insulting another Nerd. (See Clause 2 of Sub-Section 1).
