My One True Love ?

Excited?

Hello. Y'all don't know me, but I wanted to have a place where I can put my feelings for a guy I am super crazy about. I really really love him, he is someone that maybe I have been searching for my entire life. I have had boyfriends before, everybody who expected only sex from me and my money. And to a point I thought that is what is love, that is what men expect in general, and we have to satisfy them inorder to maintain the relationship. I fall in love with people in instances, I start loving them the moment they show me the slightest care. Maybe I am emotional, maybe a bit too caring, and easy to cheat, and maybe I trust people too easily and start caring for them so much I become blind of their other activities. I have had relationships before, you may call it infatuation too, but I have had relationships which lasted like 2 days. I used to be lonely, even with people around me. I never had much friends. I don't know why. Maybe because I shifted to a new school in between and maybe because the girls around there was bossy or because they dominated me more. I have had worst scenarios where I used to be so alone, with one girl who was not that much mentally mature, so I sat with her, in the front rows and always listened to classes, even though I was an average scorer, even though if I read something I would have topped the state, but no, maybe it was all the loneliness which made me go to the Internet, and found it fascinating and made me find new people around. That way I fell in love with people I never met. Maybe I felt it easy, because my parents were strict, I never went out. The first time I went to a theatre was when I was 17, to the beach on 18. I was more of a house cat. Being an extrovert I never really connected at home back then. Computers, internet were my only friends. So ya. After all those fake relationships with men who expected only sex and my nudes, I started liking a guy in college, whose story am not gonna say because he also expected the same just like other men,and I don't wanna talk about him anymore, because I hate him, genuinely with my entire heart. Then I started working, I shifted places and finally settled down at my hometown itself. And I started working with this guy. I mean I was a senior to him workwise, age wise he is elder to me. I fell in love the moment I saw him. I have this crazy attraction to tall guys. Even when I write this, I am tearing up, thinking about the amount of love I have for him. He is the perfect guy anyone can ask for. I used to go crazy if he even looked at me. He used to wear collared shirts and I could see his collar bone if he sits in an angle, which made me so crazy, I was more than ready to sit on his lap and hold his jaw and cheeks and kiss him so deep that my feelings would be expressed to him , so that he will fall in love with me. I used to be that crazy. I did crazier things to make him notice me. I feel girls don't use cuss words in public like to maintain a level of decency, I wantedly used to use, so that he will take a notice of me. He sits behind me, kindaish, in the same cubicle, and we share only one office phone. He always used to attend calls from his mobile or along with his lead in the opposite cubicle, because the phone in our cubicle used to be next to me. And I wished, forever wished he came and had a call there, and sometimes he does to dial the number and goes back to his seat for the call. My heart used to flutter, I would go crazy and blank not knowing what to do, thinking how I would look before him, used to imagine perspective shit I learned from college and wonder how I will look from that angle, because I wanted him to love me and nothing more. We go for coffee breaks to the bottom floor, we were on the top, so we gotta take a lift. I wantedly go and stand next to him, not in a touching way but in a way if people enter I would have to touch him. But people never entered. I hate people for that. I imagined all those crazy scenarios people have in movies where they get stuck in lift for hours and they end up in love and make out. There wasn't a day I did not imagine that. I loved him with all my heart, and then when I started to love him more, bam corona, I can't meet him because I survived in his smile I survived in him calling my name, I survived us walking together to coffee breaks, I survived with him sitting next to me in breaks, I survived in his voice, I survived just hoping to get a glance of him looking at me, I survived knowing he was there. It broke me when he told that another girl looked cute in our office. I got angry, I didn't know how to react, did he always considered only other girls? Did he not like me? Because of my manly voice ? Because I was fat? Because I was too annoying like I kept talking all the time? But all those talkings were to get his attention, did that backfire? Only during recent times, in a crush kinda relationship we are in, he confessed he did that to just see my reaction, to see if I loved him, because apparently he was confused too, if I liked him and oh my God, he loved me more than I do.

.. To be continued.