Emotions - Ayanokojixreader

Past

_____________ Y/n's past___________

I have always pretended to be happy

Basically my whole life

I would always smile, laugh, and hangout with untoxic friends

I would always get vocally abused being told I wasn't good enough and being compared to friends

My father I had never met before but he moved to Florida with his new wife

Me and my mom were well off 

We lived in a rich neighborhood with good schools in the area

We moved there when I was in the 4th grade

I attended a private school before but after we moved I changed to a public school

I enjoyed going to a public school kinda

It was an excuse to get away form everything and do what you want

And because I attended a private school the private school I went to was 3 years ahead so I knew all the material

I'm not going into to much detail but in the summer I started getting very depressed

I never told anyone and painted myself as the happiest girl in school

And it worked

My act worked

I made very nice friends and I had a crush on a guy

I played my part

My mind was set on making others happy so I can be happy

6th grade my mask started to slip

and i mean a lot

No one bullied me because I was shy but bubbly and happy at the same time

I also got along with everyone even though I was antisocial

I started to get very violent and would get angry and sad all the time

Of course I blamed myself and I still do

I always had suicidal thoughts in the 6th and 7th grade even before like when I was in 5th 4th ect

I would always think

'What will the world be like without me?'

'Will people miss me?'

I just dug myself into a deeper and deeper hole

Even my friends noticed that I was always acting off and would confrunt me about it

I would just shrug it off saying that I didn't get much sleep or something 

I would always get talked down by my parent 

When 7th grade hit I was completely emotionless

I never smiled never laughed

I was sad and empty

When I mean empty, my stomach would feel like there was no heart in it and yes I ate food 

At this point I felt like 

'Why cry? Why get angry you get nothing out of it?'

And my parent would always say that crying is for babies

and I also believed that

That's why I cried when I was alone

But when 7th grade hit I stopped crying because I felt so much pain and suffering

My mom was never a bad parent 

She was kind, understanding, ect 

Everything you expect from a mom

I love her but sometimes she can loss her temper and lash out

I always kept a knife in my room and would just stare at it when I was in 7th grade

I started cutting myself and still stayed emotionless

Honestly I didn't think it was a big deal at all

I was just like whatever I've felt worse

I never believed I had depression until like when I started doing that

I kept to myself at school after 6th grade

Just ignoring everyone not even trying to make new friends

But when I was with my old friends I put on the mask again and pretended to be happy

And now I am in the classroom called 1-D still emotionless

I feel like a doll waiting to be fixed

I'm not afraid to die

Nor am I afraid of anything really

I just feel alone 

__________________________Y/n's past over__________________________