The One That Got Away (Synyster Gates Series: Book 1)

The Promise and The Reasons

Jackie's POV

I'm so anti-social now a days. I refused to go with them to the party. I just wanted to stay here and sleep. No one stood with me, so I took this as a good opportunity to think about everything that is happening.

I started off with Brian.

I truly do love him. I love everything we do together. He has my heart and as much as I deny any feelings for him, I know deep inside that he's the one I'm supposed to be with. But then I think about what he did. How could he even have thought of replacing me? I promised myself that once I moved out to California, we'd pick up where we left off... He even promised. But he broke it. And that makes me mad. It makes me feel like I was inferior to him.

I've said it before, I wish I could just drop everything and go to Brian. I wish he could drop everything and come to me. I want to marry him. I want to live with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to have kids with him. I just want him. I've always wanted him.

He's beyond perfect in my eyes. Yeah, he has flaws, but that doesn't make me love him any less... I want him because I can't find those flaws in other guys. They make him special. He makes it seem as if he doesn't want to be with me. He likes this little dangerous game we play. I like it too. But I'm tired of playing it. I would want the world to know that I love Brian. But he's not letting me do that. He wants to keep this a secret. Well I can only take so much. And this whole "secret" gets me thinking. If he's doing this with me, if and when we get together, will he do this to me?

Then with Jesse, it's so different. I don't love him. I can't seem to say I love him anymore... Every time I try to say it, it doesn't come out. I'm not about to force myself to say it if I don't mean it. He knows he means a lot to me. But recently the whole him cheating on me with Lindsay thing has really fucked with my head and my heart. How could I be so blind? Why am i even still with him?! He cheated on me. Am I that stupid? My mind registers it, but my heart chooses not to believe it. And when it does believe it, I want to end things with him completely and I want to be with Brian. I have so much pressure on me because of Jesse. My parents want me with him. I've always made them happy. So if I stay with Jesse... I know they'll be happy and proud of me. But I'm not happy. I can tell something is up between him and Michelle. I just choose not to believe it.

But both of these guys made a huge impact on me that will fuck me up for the rest of my life. Jesse was the first guy I went to, sexually and emotionally, after I found out Brian broke the promise. I know we were just kids when we promised, but this SYN1999 tattoo tells me so different. Does Brian look at it the way I do? I stay up nights on end looking at it, admiring it. It may be "INK" to some people, but to me it's a promise. A promise that I didn't want to break. Everyone would ask me, "Who's SYN1999?" And I'd always respond, "He's the guy who I'm going to marry." But I'm no where near that. I thought we'd fall back into each other's arms.

What if Brian decides he wants to marry Michelle? What if Jesse decides to propose to me? Will our little adventure continue?! Will I be a married woman, cheating on my husband? I can't take that. I can't.

What does Michelle have that I don't? Why can't he leave Michelle? Why can't I leave Jesse? I don't need him for security. I'm not afraid of being alone. I need answers.

Brian's POV

When I drink, my mind usually is focused on having fun and cracking jokes. But tonight is completely different. I'm supposed to be having fun with the guys, Taylor and Luis, who are the guys that own the cabin. But I'm not. Instead I'm watching a game of pool being played while thinking.

All I can think about is Jackie and how much fun we have together. I love her. Bullshit aside, I do. She's meant so much to me when were 18. She's always going to mean everything to me. I don't understand why I can't find the balls to leave Michelle and go to Jackie. Michelle's left me, but she came crawling back. I say I like this dangerous game we play, but I don't. I want to stop hiding behind a shield and come clean with everyone. It just seems so hard to do.  

What if I do come clean and Jackie ends up laughing in my face?! I'm not even sure if Jackie loves Jesse, but if she does, I don't know what I'll do. He doesn't deserve her love. He never has. She's too good for him. Hell, everyone is too good for him. He deserves a piece of shit for a girlfriend, not a diamond. Not MY diamond.

I deeply regret breaking our promise. I know we were immature teens who spoke out of their asses but I meant it. I just got tired of being alone. I wanted to come home to someone. I ended up choosing Michelle. I mean we're happy for the most part, when we're around people. But when we're in the privacy of our own home, we hardly even speak. She does her thing, I do mine. It's always been like that. And I'm so used to it.

But Michelle isn't the one I want to marry. It's Jackie. I want to come home to her. I want to see her on tour with me. I want to be the father of her children. But something isn't allowing that to happen.

I can tell Jesse is going to pop the question any day now to her. I'm scared she'll say yes. Then what happens? Are we going to do this behind her husband's back? I'd be damned if I ever proposed to Michelle. Hell no. 

I have these days where I'll just stare at my tattoo of her for hours. I made the biggest mistake ever by hurting her. I want a chance with her.  But why can't I find the fucking balls to leave Michelle?! Why can't Jackie leave Jesse?! Why can't we just be Jackie and Brian... like the good old days?

Jesse's POV

God, I can't stand him. I'm trying to be nice for Jackie, but I can't stand this mother fucker or his friends. Look at him, all fucking depressed. Makes me sick.

To think Jackie even kissed him is disgusting. He's no good for her. He's a musician. You know those relationships never last. They're gone all the time for touring and shit like that. I'm 100% sure that he cheats on Michelle while he's on tour. I don't blame him, I couldn't go a week with out sex either.

Jacks deserves me. Someone who treats her right, affords to buy her things, puts a nice roof over her head. I got all of that. I have everything Brian doesn't... Specially Jackie.

But recently, she hasn't seemed all that happy with me. It's scaring me. I know I seem like a dick sometimes, but I love the girl. I do plan on making her Esperanza Jetson one day. Her dad even wants me to. From day one he's given me the okay to ask her to marry me. And I want to. One of these days.

I feel so dirty for even kissing Michelle. It was random and no one saw, but I did like it a little. It was a nice change from the sweet romantic kisses Jackie gives. Michelle has that sex-drive that meets mine. Well, so does Lindsay. I'm not even sure where we stand. She was just a good fuck, to be honest. That's as far as I was willing to get with her. Nothing more.

I see the way Jackie looks at Brian, and the way he looks at her. She doesn't look at me like that anymore.

Michelle's POV

Sometimes I look at Brian in random moments and think to myself, what in God's name am I still doing with him? He deserves better... He deserves Jackie. She's amazing for him. I guess it's all territorial. I'm not in love with Brian anymore. He was just that crush that you have in high school. But now that it's faded, I can't seem to feel that shock between us. I can't seem to find it with anyone. At least not right now.

He has his days where he looks at his hand and admires the tattoo of her name. I'm not stupid. He's said many times that it means in 1999 he found "HOPE" in himself, but Zacky let the cat out of the bag that Jackie's real name is Esperanza and that means hope in spanish. I don't hate her. I actually think she's pretty cool.

I do feel guilty for kissing Jesse back. He came onto me. I should have pushed him away. I want to tell Brian that we kissed, but I know I'd be out of his life for good. I also know he's beat the shit out of Jesse whenever he catches him slipping.

He's my best friend. If we break up one day, I won't hate him. I'll still care a lot about him.

I'm still with Brian because he asks me to never leave his side. I know he needs to be told he's loved 24/7, but I can only take so much... Which is why I cheat. I can't stay with Brian... I'm tired of not being happy and I care for him so much that seeing him unhappy makes me unhappy.