Lone Werewolf Duology (bxb)

54. Bad News (Mentions of Family Violence)

Volya stared at his iPad. What he saw instead of Toshka's luminous face were the lights of a derailing train. Toshka's words came to him as if from afar.

"I never thought someone could love me," Toshka confessed.

Volya choked up. "Not true. I did."

"Oh, yes, but I didn't mean like that," Toshka said blithely. Blithely!

"Because I stutter, people think I'm stupid, but Ira listened and... just, you know, waited? Waited for me to talk."

And he didn't? Volya was too dead inside to ask. This wasn't an argument he could win by logic. He wanted to change the script. Toshka didn't. His magic allowed him to peek into the past, not nudge it on a different course. Useless magic!

"I've told her everything. How I was, why I was that way," Toshka continued. "About my father, you know?"

Volya shook his head morosely. "I don't."

Toshka expelled a long sigh. "Because of him, I didn't think falling in love was such a great idea for me. Even in secret. Let alone, you know..."

Volya could imagine what 'you know' implied, but he didn't want to. If he did, he might transform into a werewolf and trash the trailer full of pricey equipment.

"My father was a monster, but I didn't understand it back then. He always yelled how it was all my mother's fault that he was angry. So I hated how she couldn't behave herself better. I hate myself so much for it now!"

"You were a kid. A little kid."

"People always say that."

Because it was true. And Volya could bet donuts to dollars that precious Ira didn't say that, or, at least, not right away. She probably had listened. He could have listened too. He did now, even if it was too late and hurt like hell.

"Then, one day, mom said she'd found another man, a good man. We were leaving, he would take us in and all would be well. I was afraid to leave, like an idiot, and kept crying. That's why dad caught us, because we ran out of time with me crying. He saw her packing... it wasn't even much. God, if only she'd left all the junk behind!"

Volya's stomach turned. He guessed where this was going and he didn't know if he wanted to hear it.

That's the difference between Ira and you. She wanted to know, the unpleasant little voice said in his head, making him wince. He didn't know if it was the mist-wolf pontificating or his guilty conscience.

He'd once thought he loved Toshka too much. As it turned out, he didn't love him enough, didn't deserve him.

"I've never heard my father yell so loud or hit her so hard. I wanted to unlock the doors and run away, since nobody was watching me. But then I thought that I would get in trouble if I did that. God, Volya, if I did..." Toshka's voice broke.

"You were too young to understand."

Toshka gave him a pained look. "Not too young to call for help and I didn't."

Volya's only recourse was to agree, and his guts roiled in protest. That was probably why Toshka elected not to confide in him in the first place. He had guessed that Volya would jump to his defense, the way he always did.

"It's not like I wasn't punished for it," Toshka went on with grim satisfaction. "When he was done with mom, he dragged me out of my hiding place in the closet. There went my 'nobody could find me here, I'm safe'."

Volya regretted every minute of every day they had spent under one roof and didn't have this conversation.

"He yelled how it was all true about the red-headed children. How he shouldn't have married my mother because of me. Then he tossed me out of the window. The glass shattered... I don't remember what happened after."

Volya growled deep in his throat.

"I don't even know what happened to him." Toshka dipped his head. "And I don't want to!"

No kidding. Volya himself would have gone looking for the grave or dug one up. As a werewolf, he probably could still find the bastard and leave nothing left to bury.

"I'm sorry, Toshka."

If only he wasn't so busy sweating the small stuff, they could have talked about the important things. He could have done something about it. Or at least hugged Toshka. Touched his hand. Something. But the opportunity was gone. All he could do now was mumble his regrets like some dumb parrot.

"So, you get how I was all messed up in my head from this, right?" Toshka asked.

"Yes."

"One minute I'd think nobody would ever love me, the other—what if they do, and I'd fly off my handle like my father?"

"You'll never... I promise you! You'll never be like your father!" Volya yelled. He had resolved to just listen, but this would launch a saint into a fit of rage.

Toshka ducked, obviously unwilling to argue. It sent a fresh jolt of guilt through Volya. "I'm sorry for yelling. I hate your father so much right now... sorry."

"Common, Vol', don't say sorry for being the nicest guy I know." Toshka's eyes turned dreamy. "Sometimes, I wanted to hit back every turd who picked on me, but I was afraid of turning into my father. You've always done it for me just before I snapped."

He did, and it seemed like the right thing. Maybe he got it right. Maybe?

"You always knew when to fight, when to back out. It was like a super-power or something."

"I just hit people who had it coming," Volya confessed. "I'm not a complicated guy."

"You know it isn't true." Toshka blushed again. "Love's kinda like that, with the right person, it's not confusing at all. You just... do it."

How he wished he was that right person! Alas, he was too dumb, too useless... heck, he wasn't even human. And he was so wrong about the werewolf part too! He'd thought that since Toshka was always in agreement with him, everything would be fine. But with Toshka's past destroyed by a violent man, even if Toshka wouldn't have fought him for dominance, like Liam would have... Not confusing, lol!

"It must be very nice to fall in love like that," Volya said and he meant it.

"Oh, you'll find out!"

Volya made an uncommitted noise. So long as he could keep a quiver out of his voice and think up some normal things to say, he could hold this Titanic of a conversation afloat. Their friendship was worth it.

"The best thing is, even Ira's parents like me. I mean, I couldn't believe it. Their daughter brings home a wimpy orphanage kid who's got nothing—and they're fine with it? It's like I suddenly have a family."

Toshka was so happy to tell him everything that it hurt double. His cloud castle fell out of the sky and exploded into a mushrooming cloud. He wouldn't be living with Toshka. There would be no room, no window, let alone a confession...

"Uh-huh," he said. "I'm glad you've found your... your kin."

His heart was breaking from Toshka's old pain.

His heart was breaking for himself.

His heart was breaking...

"Anyway, once you're here, Vol', you got to meet Ira. She thinks the world about you, I swear!"

"Looking forward to it." Liam's example didn't go to waste. Volya had generated at least ten thousand watts with his beaming smile.

"So cool!" Toshka slapped his forehead, remembering something. "Wow, I have to run, okay? Stay in touch, Vol'. Okay?"

"I will," Volya promised.

His heart was either breaking or already broken. Whatever it was, it hurt. He squinted his eyes and visualized Ira from the million photos Toshka had shared. She was plump, comforting, and with a spark of laughter in her eyes. She sounded kind. Basically, she was a perfect match for Toshka. He should be happy that his mate was in love and was loved.

Instead of joy he ached. He wasn't jealous any longer, at least not in a way jealousy had hit him in the solar plexus when Toshka had first told him about Ira.

He moved past that straight to the post-jealousy pangs of irrevocable loss.