Love.
Love is a funny thing. A scary thing.
It engulfs you, surrounds you. And no one, not me, not you, ever stops to question it. To question why. To question why we are suddenly planning and forming our whole future, our whole lives around this one person, without even truly noticing we are. Never stopping to truly register that we are already planning, agreeing, hoping even, to spend every single day of the rest of our lives (however long that may be) or just even part of them with this one person. Every single second you are spent in your space, their space, you're sharing it with this person-your person-agreeing to share everything, even personal space with this one person.
We just accept it. We embrace it. Who taught us love was a good feeling? A good thing? Why don't we run from it? Try desperately to escape it when it's typically destined to end in pain and suffering? Our bodies, our brains protect us and react to 'dangerous' situations that may put us at risk of pain. At risk of exposure. But surely love-falling in love-is the epitome of that?
Love is just exposure. It's trusting someone enough to expose yourselves to them. The good and the bad. And there will be both. There always is. No matter how healthy your relationship is, how perfect you are together-there will be arguments, disagreements, some out of love, out of concern, worry, some out of spite, out of boredom-bringing me back to my question, why do we put ourselves through years, decades in some cases of false hope for it all to come crashing down? Or to end up just tolerating each other? I used to see relationships as nothing more than a cost efficient way of living-half the bills, just with someone constantly under your feet. When i'd watch elderly couples together they always seemed so uninterested, like they were almost bored? Bored of life and bored of each other. They seemed to just be waiting. Just surviving and waiting until the impending end. The end-the inescapable, ever creeping end. But I've realised over the years that in fact, that isn't the case. They are at peace with one another. Comfortable enough to share a silence whilst they sit separately to watch tv. Certain about their love for each other, secure and at peace with all the memories they've made together. The memories acting like glue, holding them together for eternity. Memories last. They are forever. Permanent. I want to so desperately make more, with you. They are what hold relationships together-through the good and the bad, making us feel less alone, less afraid-more secure of ourselves; of our relationships. The ever lasting glue-binding people, their souls, until forever ends.
I want that. I want that with you. I want to sit with my person, in our home, comfortably, without being on edge, without fear of losing you-to just be at peace with the idea of forever with you. I want forever with you. The forever I want, is with you. You're the one and the only person on my mind, running through my mind whilst I type this. It's always only you. I must say, you have quite the stamina.
Eternity. It's never sounded better with you. The promise of you makes everything bearable, enjoyable. The thought of you brings, well: happiness-it brings feelings of overwhelming happiness; warmth; safety; joy; an abundance of feeling so proud of you, watching you grown and develop over the year, come out of your shell, become more confident (even if you don't believe me), even just with me, it's been the most rewarding experience and thing to watch so thank you for allowing me to be apart of your life, your growth-its been truly rewarding to see and i'm genuinely so so so proud of you-it is another thing i am so greatly looking forward to seeing more of in the future, witnessing more of. You bring me a sense of comfort; a sense of feeling like i'm at my place, where im meant to be, what i'm here on this earth for-my life's purpose; a overwhelming, crushing wave of feeling home sick-served with the intense need to find comfort in your arms, in your neck, in your face, your cheeks, your face-i'm not sure you understand just how much comfort seemingly small and harmless gestures like touching your face actually has for me. How they can take all my pain, my fear, my doubt away instantly, completely erase it as if it were never there to begin with.
I want to be exposed to and around you. I want you to see all of me.
All I have left to say really now, as a final, closing comment is that I am so thankful we aren't trained to be scared or run from love. I mean i truly believe i am-as im sure you can definitely tell, it petrifies me, it makes me feel fragile and weak. I'm so dependent on you and you being okay and the thought that us, you, can come crashing down so quickly, in seconds, petrifies me. But I'm willing to be vulnerable for you because
I trust you. I truly trust you. More than I've trusted anyone else in this world. That too scares me greatly. But I love you and its the best decision my brain has subconsciously made in its functioning time on this earth and will continue to be until the end of time-until forever ends. it's you.
Thank you for showing me what love is.
