tubbo angst

Chapter eight

we got out of dream's car and I ran inside with tommy. "HEY EVERYONE! THEY'RE HERE!" techno called from the couch into the kitchen. i walked upstairs to claim a room for tommy, ranboo, and I. after looking around for a few minutes i found the perfect room and i dropped my backpack on the floor and laid down. i sighed. i didn't think i would be able to make it the whole trip without hurting myself. i knew that nobody else could understand what it felt like to be like me. i was broken, i didn't feel anything unless i was doing something wrong, and even then it was only ever guilt and grief, but i guess that's better than nothing. i realized i was subconsciously picking at the scabs on my wrists. i buried my head in my hands. i felt like i was a failure. i heard someone knock on the door. i pulled up my sleeves and yelled out a quick "come in!" i heard the click of the door closing and shuffling over to where i was sitting. i didn't even look up, i didn't care. "hey tubbo... are you alright? you didn't even say hi to anyone and you're up here alone. i know you're not doing well man, please talk to me if you need to, okay?" it was ranboo. i could only nod, even though i knew i wasn't going to.  i stood up without saying a word, and i walked down the stairs. "hey guys! sorry that i didn't say hi, i have some nasty jetlag!" i said in my most convincing 'happy' voice. i opened the fridge ignoring what everyone said, nodding occasionally. i grabbed a shitty coffee from the fridge and walked back upstairs. i hated coffee and would have preferred a monster, but i won't complain too much. i went into my room and sat down on the bed. i put on headphones and listen to music, not even acknowledging ranboo. he seemed really concerned, but i couldn't care less. of course he was one of my best friends, but i didn't have the energy to socialize, so i just zoned out for a couple hours. 

i heard a banging on the door, and George yelled out "it's dinner time you two!" i sighed and stumbled down the stairs, exhausted and not hungry. i sat at the table and stared at the piece of pizza in front of me. i felt nauseous. i shook slightly as i picked it up and took a bite. as soon as i swallowed i couldn't stop eating. i ate most of the pizza, claiming i didn't have much to eat earlier when techno asked about it. i went back upstairs, but instead of going to my room i detoured to the bathroom. i dropped to my knees and cried. i didn't know why i felt like this. i put my pointer and middle finger in my mouth, going as far as i could until i gagged, and then i threw up. i kept going until the vomit was clear. my throat burned from scratching and stomach acid. my hands smelled like puke and so did everything else. i felt proud, but also disgusted. i quickly washed up, still reeking of vomit. i rushed to my room and curled up on the bed, staring at the wall. tommy and ranboo were playing a board game. "tubbo? are you alright?" tommy sounded worried. "let me see your arms." i dragged myself over to him and gave him my hands. he rolled up my sleeves and i heard ranboo gasp. "t-tubbo? d-did you..." he didn't finish his sentence. i only nodded. the scars and cuts varied from cat scratches to probably needing stitches. i looked down as ranboo let out quiet sobs. "s-sorry," he said between sobs, "i-i gotta go" he immediately rushed out of the room in tears. "it's okay dude..." tommy comforted me softly. i wrapped my arms around him and cried into his neck.

-

(ranboo pov)

i ran to techno and wilbur's room. i slammed the door open and fell onto the floor in a sobbing mess. they both rushed over, panicked. i tried to explain what was happening but i was crying so hard that they couldn't understand what i was saying. techno awkwardly sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. i cried for a few more minutes until i was able to speak somewhat coherently. "i-its- it's tubb-tubbo! h-his- he- he's been c-cutting- h-him-himself!" my voice broke on the last word. both of their eyes shot open in obvious panic. they shared a silent look and wilbur rushed down the hallway as techno tried his best to comfort me. he had always been an awkward person, so i let him know i appreciated this gesture by squeezing his hand softly.

-

(tubbo pov)

i was sitting on my bed, somewhat spaced out, staring at the wall, when wilbur burst in. he ran over to me and wrapped me in a tight hug. "please tubbo, please stop hurting yourself!" his voice was filled with pain. "i wish it was that easy, will." i said quietly. i looked over to tommy, his face was painted with an angry expression. he noticed me staring and quickly smiled. What's his deal? why is he so damn mad? i bit my tongue and kept my thoughts to myself. i pried wilbur off of me. "go back to your room. I'm fine." i laid back on my bed as he sighed and begrudgingly left back to his room. i yawned, realizing how exhausted i was. i closed my eyes and wrapped myself in my blanket. "I'm tired" i said, mostly just thinking out loud. i could have sworn that i heard tommy whisper something angrily under his breath. i decided that i would ask him about it tomorrow as i drifted into a warm, comfortable sleep.

A/N!!! woah gamers this story is genuinely ass ??? why do you guys like it so much??? anyways I'm in an outpatient mental hospital program atm because my mom is a dumbass so idk i guess ask me questions or something in the comments! it can be about anything, i really don't care lol i will reply to your comment almost definitely because i have absolutely no life and a bad sleep schedule! i love y'all thanks for all the support btw