hiraeth | woosan

where

San began hating the idea of time, since the day he lost Wooyoung.

If anything, he wants to rewind time, avoid the tragedy at all costs, but the clock keeps ticking forward. Counting the days without Wooyoung, for him to dissolve into what is called 'a past' as days, weeks, months went by, devastated San.

His contempt towards time is worse today, because time is inflexibly limited and he wants today to never end. Neither is sure, but they both have a gut feeling that whatever this fortune is, is short lived.

"Jesus, Credence! Why would you do that?" Wooyoung mourns, 'resting' his head on San's lap, watching the movie he should have, five months ago. The movie is the third film of a sequel to the great wizarding world, where a man travels around the world to discover magical creatures. Both of them being the enthusiast, this series of films had them hooked. Walking out of the theatre, excitement stirring in both of them after the uneasy ending of the second film, they promised they'd watch the third one together. Until one was gone, and the other hadn't in him to watch it alone.

They've chosen to watch their favourite film together, and yet, San's focus is not on the screen. He barely knows what wrong Credence has done to make Wooyoung frown like this on his lap. He doesn't feel the weight, but the sight is so, so familiar. His hand hovers over Wooyoung's head and feigns brushing it. Wooyoung squints his eyes slightly as if he is enjoying the 'touch'. He has forgotten how warm his chest could feel. How many more breaths until his heart falls?

San takes in a deep, slow, breath. He wonders if breathing slowly could make the time move slower.

"I wish fictional evil characters went to hell too." Wooyoung huffs and rises, and that's when San notices the credit roll on the screen.

"And good fictional characters went to heaven?" San asks.

"Eh." Wooyoung shrugs.

They both silently sit side by side and watch the black screen with the names of people who paid efforts to roll for a while. San tries to follow each name, but there are just too many to do so. There's a lot of people. There's a lot of people in the world, who are a mother to someone, a son, a friend, a lover, a brother, a rival, an enemy...but there's only one Wooyoung; his lost lover; his everything.

"Hey," Wooyoung says. "What do you think heaven is like?"

San turns his head confusedly, but Wooyoung is still staring at the screen, his expression blank.

"I think you'd know the place better than me."

"Yeah, but in general."

San purses his lips in thought, but he doesn't take much to answer the most obvious. "A peaceful place? A happy place?"

Wooyoung nods. "A place free of misery and pain, filled with beauty and delight. It's a promised happy land."

Then why does Wooyoung sound sad?

"I'm supposed to be happy, San. But I'm not."

San's stomach starts to churn with acid.

"I can't be." Wooyoung's voice breaks. "When you're unhappy."

Wooyoung finally looks at San but the sunshine in his eyes that San so loved is gone, and San's breath hitches at the shattered glasses in them.

"How can I? When I see you so broken?"

"I-I," San stutters because his throat is squeezed. Tears prickle the corner of his eyes. "But h-how can I erase this pain in my heart when it's you who has fallen out of the space?" His throat is sore. He feels every cell in him burning while his heart ached. "I need this to remind me who I've lost. It doesn't matter if it hurt."

"San-ah," Wooyoung whispers softly, placing his hand against San's wet cheek. Their foreheads connect, and San can almost feel the warmth. "I don't want to be your pain. I want to be the one who you find comfort in. I don't want to be the memory that hurts you. I want to be the memory you cherish. I don't want to be the reason for your tears—I want to be the reason for your smile."

Transparent streak trickles down Wooyoung's eyes. It's pure. It's delicate. And it's beautifully painful.

He doesn't want to see Wooyoung cry because of him.

Had he been feeling this way?

Is this how he feels?

"Wooyou-"

"I know you'd say the same if you were me." Wooyoung gives a faint smile. "I know you, Sannie."

San is sure Wooyoung can see the shattered glasses in his eyes equally. The reflection of the weight that they share.

Silence settles in between them. Wooyoung is waiting for San's response, San knows—because he knows Wooyoung, just as much as he does. San gives a nod, small but repetitive.

"Promise me?" Wooyoung breathes, so close to San that he might as well think he is alive. "That you will be happy. Not even for me, but for yourself."

Forehead to forehead, San locks his eyes with Wooyoung. Through his blurry vision, he sees; the dawn in his eyes.

"I promise."

"Pinky promise?"

Wooyoung smiles, and pulls out his pinky. San follows suit, a smile on his face, wrapping Wooyoung's finger with his, careful not to crush them.