Surviving You

03: Journal Entry #2

Journal Entry #2

Thursday, September 8th

A week since

I went to your funeral today. God, I can't believe I'm even saying those words. I never imagined I'd have to attend your funeral. I always hoped you'd outlive me, selfishly I couldn't ever imagine you leaving me. I knew you'd be fine if anything ever happened to me, but sweetheart, I'm not fine without you. I can't survive you. I can't go through life without you right beside me. I don't want to continue without you. Why do I have to? I don't want to be here if you aren't here with me. But I guess I have to. Gazing at you lying so peacefully in your casket was like reality slapping me in the face. Since the day you left, I've tricked myself into thinking you'll come back, but seeing your beautiful pale face, eyes closed, face peaceful, I realized it would be the last time I ever would see you. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. My heart feels like it's been ripped out of me violently and buried alongside you, six feet below the earth. I'd give anything just to hear your voice, hear your laugh, see the way your eyes light up with joy when you talk about something that interests you, to hear you say you love me one last time. I wish we had more time. I loved every second of my life that I got to spend with you and I'd give anything to have just five more minutes again to feel the happiness you gave me. I'm sorry I couldn't say anything at your funeral. I'm not sure if you would've wanted me to but I couldn't speak. I was so numb today. A constant stream of tears flowed down my cheeks today and didn't stop. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Your parents were heartbroken, I wanted to be strong for them, to help them like I promised you I would, but honestly I think they helped me more than I helped them. Your mom always gives the best hugs. It's hard looking at your mom, you always looked so much like her. Staring at your mom, it was almost like I was looking into the future, seeing an image of you that I will never get to see. You wont ever grow old, you'll forever stay young. Everyone's been telling me that it will get easier with time, that all this heartache will wither away with time. Time heals all wounds they say, but not this one. You can't heal a broken heart, not my broken heart. Time heals because you slowly forget the pain that was so real when it first happened but I don't want to forget the pain, I don't want to forget you. I don't want to move on and for you to become a distant memory. I don't want you to be a fond memory I think back on every once in a while. I just want you. Here with me. My head hurts. My eyes are almost swollen shut. I feel like I'm going to pass out. But I'll welcome the sleep gladly, for it's the only time I feel like I'll be able to really ever see you again in this life.

Forever yours, alex

A/N
I feel like the lyric in the song above: "I dream of you almost every night, hopefully I won't wake up this time" really fits what Alex is feeling right now so that's why I added it up there if you want to listen to it!

How's the story so far? Sorry if I'm making you cry. I'm literally crying writing it. I'm imagining the heartbreak and I'm so sad ;(