tonight | dnf

chapter nineteen.

George knew his suicidal thoughts were getting too overwhelming, taking up far too much space in his mind to be healthy. He was trying. Trying harder to get past this himself more than he'd ever tried at anything. It was hard to push those feelings away, what kept him trying was Sapnap. George couldn't imagine how hard it would be for him to lose both of his best friends. 

But at the same time, George couldn't fathom a life without his soulmate. Maybe somewhere in the afterlife they'd be happy together, laying in a field and pointing out constellations. It wouldn't take much to be with him again. Those were recurring thoughts he'd have, how easily it would be to see him again. It was definitely selfish, he had to keep going. For Sapnap, his cat, and Dream because he knew this isn't what he would've wanted. 

He would've wanted George to move on, find someone who was just as amazing as him and be genuinely happy. He would've wanted George and Sapnap to go out and make more friends to do the same things they used to do--partying, late nights at the beach, pizza dinner sleepovers, without necessarily replacing him. He wouldn't have wanted to see George spending nights in his bed crying over the loss, or feeling this way.

These last few weeks were tormenting, they felt like pure torture. He'd never felt this way, he'd never been able to cope with his emotions well. He'd been recommended therapists, but what good would they do? They'd baby him and tell him it would pass, which only seemed unrealistic to George since it felt like just yesterday everything happened. Time was moving slowly, it was agonizing. George blinked away his tears, he needed to see Sapnap.

George pushed the blankets off of him and got up to go find his phone. Walking out of his room he went into the living room, where his cellphone sat on the coffee table untouched along with a few empty bottles of water he was yet to take care of, just like most things in his life. Undone, untaken care of. 

He picked it up and unlocked it, tapping in Sapnaps number and waiting for him to answer. 

"Hello?" The voice on the other end said. It was raspy, raw. It sounded like Sapnap had been crying, George only worried that he had the same urge as him. 

"Sapnap, get some stuff and come over for the night, okay? Okay." Before Sapnap had the chance to protest or say no, George ended the line and tossed his phone on the couch. It was definitely the shortest phone call he had made, but seeing Sapnap right now seemed more important than anything. He knew Sapnap would come, he hadn't even sent him any texts to say otherwise. 

So, George relaxed into the couch and waited for his best friend to arrive so they could have a classic night together, he'd even order pizza. Just like old times. 

--

The door swung open and in came Sapnap, tossing his bag on the ground and going straight over to George. George smiled a wide smile as Sapnap approached and trapped him in a tighter hug than yesterdays, squeezing him a little too hard before he had to get him off. 

"Hi." Sapnap laughed, freeing George from his hold and taking a good look at his outfit.

"You're wearing his jacket." Sapnaps voice was softer as he looked at all the patches and pins, some of which he had gifted to Dream. 

Georges eyes widened a bit, he had worn it so much he sort of forgot it was Dreams. "Oh--yeah do you uh, here." He started to take it off. He was sure he had enough of Dreams stuff, he should've offered the jacket to Sapnap--or anything for that matter--sooner. 

He felt a not too hard kick to his ankle. 

"Quit it, I have enough." He laughed, and as contagious as his laugh is, George laughed too. 

He slipped the jacket over his shoulders and walked past Sapnap, who followed, to the kitchen. They moved from the rather mellow subject quite quickly as George started talking about some stuff they could do. 

"I was thinking we can make some food and order pizza later? For fun, y'know. Probably just chill and watch movies, I didn't really plan anything."

"Wow, you must've just missed me so bad. Sure, we can do that, only if I get to pick the movies though."

George scoffed at his remark, "Yeah whatever you wanna think. You can pick the movie if I can pick what we make."

"Fine, just because I'm nice."

With the negotiation and some searching around the kitchen, George decided on making a cake.

Sapnap helped get all all the ingredients out for it; flour, eggs, butter, sugar and milk. George found a few tubes of icing, even unsure of the colors, he figured it'd do. Every ingredient was set out in front of them along with a bowl, pan and whisk.

The process was messy. Almost messing up the batter every now and then the two boys would laugh it off and continue the process. This is what George missed, the genuine fun and enjoyment of doing things without thinking about the missing puzzle piece. Sure, things weren't the same and probably would never be, but he was having a good time and so was his friend. 

For a second George fooled himself, allowed himself to think those feelings were gone now. Allowed himself to think he was going to be able to get through this alone, to think he could go on without Dream.