What if?

28

I watch alex as he eats his pancakes much slower than usual. Im still worried about him, even after last night he is still cold and quiet.

" nice pancakes?" Will asks watching alex. Will went all the way to the pancake place to get pancakes for alex because he knew they were his favorite.

" yeah." Alex nods and eats another slice of strawberry.

" are you ready to tell us what happened?" I smile at him trying to be comforting.

He sighs loudly and pushes his plate away.

" my sister got engaged. Im now the only one not engaged or married. It also means im going to have to go to the eedding and knowing my family ut will be a two week occasion where were all together. Photos, dances, lunches." He plays with his fingers.

" shit, im sorry alex. " will pats his back awkwardly.

" if you need me, ill be there." I say and alex turns to me nodding.

" im going to need one of you to suffocate me then make it look like an accident." He smiles and i can tell hes coming back.

" what if we left clues that made it seem like the queen killed you?" I punch his shoulder playfully. He chuckles and leans his head on my shoulder.

" i love you guys." He mumbles.

I look up and notice will staring at me. I smile at him before looking back down at alex.

" what do you want to do tonight? " i ask alex.

" lets have everyone round. We deserve some fun." Alex pulls away from me and stands up.

" what you up to?" Will frowns at alex who starts to walk towards the door.

" i need to talk to ramona." He slams the door shut behind him.

" would you like to go on a date? For lunch?" Will walks over to me.

" that would be awesome." I smile as he drops a kiss on my lips.

" you know what would also be awesome?" Will kisses my neck softly.

" what?" I practically moan out.

" if we had sex tonight." He bites my ear lobe.

My heart beat increases. Its like im losing my virginity all over again but a million times more stressful because this time i actually cared.

" sounds good to me." I smile and he kisses my forehead.

" ive got to go out and grab some stuff from the shop, ill see you later."

" of course." I kiss his lips softly and i watch as he leaves admiring him.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I have no idea what im doing. Prep. I need to prep. When am i supposed to prep?

I find myself calling connor.

" connor, im freaking out." I hum as my leg jitters.

" oh god, ill come over." I hear him sigh.

*****

I rush to the door opening it and ushering connor inside.

" i am going to have sex, tonight. I need your help." I chew on my lip.

Connor runs his hand over his braids and groans loudly.

" you called me down here for this?"

" of course!" I shout.

" ok, you know how to prep, do it about an hour or less before you plan to have sex. For now just take a bath put on some cologne and some nice clothes. Remember lube and condoms and to stay calm and relax. If you freak out it will be more painful. So stay calm." We sit on the sofa and i pull my knees up to my chest.

" what was your first time with a guy like?" I ask and connor smiles.

" i was dating this guy daniel and this girl shannon. I was pretty terrified and didnt know much about what to do but daniel helped me and explained everything. He was really gentle and it was good. Really good." He sighs and leans back into the cushions.

Connor had been in multiple polyamorous relationships. Whenever any of us had a sexual questionwe would always go to him and he was happy to answer. Like the time alex was scared he'd get chlamydia because he slept in the same bed as someone with it.

" what if im bad?" I close my eyes imagining different scenarios all with bad endings.

" then you find out what each other like and you become good. Who knows maybe sex isnt for you but blowjobs are." He shrugs and squeezes my knee.

" ok, ok. Fuck it." I jump up.

" want to do anything? Ive got a couple hours to burn." Connor lays out on the sofa with his hands behind his head.

" call alyssa and justin and invite them over." I throw my phone at him.

" you know i couldve done it using my own phone."

" meh." I shrug. I'm grateful i have Connor, he's always someone ive looked up to. He's kind of like a dad for me even tho he's only a year older than me.

" will really loves you, you know." He smiles at me and my eyes pop.

" love?" I swallow the rock forming in my throat although actually maybe its more accurate to describe it as a boulder.

" i did not say that." Connors eyes pop too and we end up staring at each other like shocked pugs.

"You said love." I point at him and stand up.

" i did not." He stands up too mirroring me.

" oh god. Oh god. " i pant loudly.

Will loves me? Does he? What if he does? Do i love him? I dont think ive really loved anyone before seeing as I'm gay and the only person i thought i loved was a woman.

" dont freak out! I thought he told you!" He shouts as i start walking in circles.

" well obviously not!" I shout back.

" well do you love him?"

" i dont know Connor, i only just realised i like men." I glare at him.

" oh shit. I fucked up didnt i." He clasps his hands around his braids.

" yes, yes you did. Major fuck up. Huge fuck up. Massive fuck up." I blabber.

" Hey at least if he tells you, you wont react like this."

" he loves me Connor and i dont even know what it feels like to love someone! How do i tell? Oh god I'm literally 21 and i dont know what it feels like to love, I'm so pathetic. Oh god, I'm 21 and i just realised I'm gay. Fuck." I throw my hands to my head and i feel; my eyes still popping out of my head.