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The moonlight entered the room by a small gap in the curtains. I woke up restless, panting. Once again.
These nightmares seemed to follow me every night to bed.
I felt him move beside me. His cold hands moved a strand of my hair behind my ear, "Are you okay, love?"
He wiped my tears and that was when I realised that I was crying. I shook my head as tears continued to fall. I was not okay and I knew it. He knew it. The mere thought of a life without him was overwhelming.
I heard him sigh, "You do know that I am not going anywhere, right?" His calm voice soothed me but the uneasyness was still present.
I looked up him, tears blurring my vision. Once again the flashbacks from the nightmare dance before my eyes. All I could see was him going away, leaving me alone.
He knew what was going on in my mind, he always did. His strong arms wrapped around me and his familiar warmth enfluenged me. I felt his kiss on my forehead, a promise that he would stay.
A promise that was left broken everytime someone made it to me.
"Look at me, Camilla," my eyes met his olive green ones that shone in the moonlight. "I am not leaving. I am here forever—"
I cut him off, "Forever is the biggest lie."
His eyes softened. It was as if I wasn't enough, everyone seemed to leave me. Abandon me. At first I thought I was just unlucky but how unlucky could a single person be?
Antonio was a beautiful man. Tall, dark haired, blessed with all the sharp features and a good heart. He was the man people dreamed of. The fear that one day he would finally realise what he deserves and what he can get never let me sleep.
"I am not a liar, Camilla," his fingers weaved through my hair, his sincere eyes met mine. "And stop thinking all of this bullshit. You are the best I can ever have. You lighten up my world. I let go a lot of things that I thought I needed, and I am not letting you go. I am going to love till my last breathe. And you are going to do the same, okay?" He ordered chuckling at the end.
His words were like a medicine, a resurence. It shocked me every time he talked like this, about us and our relationship. Antonio was a man who never shared his feelings. Never talked about them. But now he did. For me.
His cold hands cupped my face. The pad of this thumb grazed my cheekbone. Slowly leaning in, he pressed his lips upon mine, in a slow, loving kiss. His hands pulling me closer, leaving no space between us. My mind was growing hazy with every second.
But just when I thought it was going to be okay, I broke the kiss, still breathing hard. I didn't know why but it felt forbidden to be with him. He was an angel. Someone who deserves way better.
His piercing eyes assessed my face with confusion. He did know what I felt but he couldn't never know how I felt it. He couldn't.
The feeling, the fear of waking up every morning to an empty bed just like I did years ago would never let me sleep. Never.
"Mi amore, I am not your mother. I am not going to leave you alone. Nor am I your father, to drive home drunk. I love you more than my own existence. You make me feel grateful that I chose to breathe every second because my presence affected you in a positive way. But now, it's all a mess. And I want to clear it, baby."
I looked at him, the man I loved so deeply that it hurt. The man that ruled not just my heart but my mind too. The man who loved me.
But why?
"You wanna know why? Because you, mi amore, are the only woman who makes my heart race, my mind go blank and my dick thr—"
"You do not need to explain that Antonio," I replied but I could feel my cheeks burning and that made him smirk. The same big–bad–fuck–boy smirk I once fell for.
His words did put me on a little ease but the nagging feeling in the back of my mind still bothered me.
He was still looking at me with those big piercing, angelic eyes, "I am staying here, by your side till the day I'm dead. Even when I go to hell, I'll still come on little tours to meet you in heaven."
"And why would you go to hell, now?"
"Well, seduction is a sin," he inches closer, "isn't it?"
I nodded biting my lip. "And then I once beat an innocence kid up. In my defense he did annoy me. I also got a ticket for drinking and driving. And then I once pushed this another annoying cousin of mine off of the motherfucking roof, and that resulted him a broken collar bone. I was eleven back then. And then as I said before, I did seduce you multiple times into doing my homework, so..."
I pushed him away, laughing. "If you are a sinner, then why do you think you are going to be allowed in heaven?"
"I was the one that helped Jesus get his first girlfriend, he owes me," he shrugged nonchalantly.
It was just minutes ago, I was trying to fight a storm that didn't exist and now here I was, I his arms, his embrace. Laughing, smiling like an idiot.
I never thought I'd fall in love, but I did. And I fell hard. Deep.
I could only hope for this happiness to stay forever when he kissed my temple.
I was reading the Merchants of Venice so I thought why not write a character named Antonio, lol. There you go.
The female here is not one of those whinny teenage girls but someone with actual issues. As a person who feels this strange fear about nearly everything in her life, I can tell it's not easy at all, overthinking can really exhaust you. And when this overthinking is paired with past trauma, don't even ask how suffocating it could be just to talk to someone you love without having a mental image of them leaving you alone.
See this as your sign to be a little gentle with the ones around you because you never really know how much little actions could hurt someone.
