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"I never had thoughts that control me until something bad left me so lonely. And I want it back, I want the old me. I'm trying to forget, but things just remind me" I lowly sang as I vacuumed the carpet of Kye's room.
I picked up a piece of paper off of the floor and saw it was a drawing of stick figures. They were labeled, me, mom, dez. I slightly smiled then put it on his bed.
My phone dinged so I checked it while vacuuming a different area. I instantly frowned then stopped the vacuum.
Jaydon: I'm sorry, but I can't make it.
"This good for nothing ass nigga" I said to myself then pressed call on his number and waited for him to answer.
I stood there with my hand on my hip and my eyes glued to the window. "Hello?" he said and I opened my mouth trying to find the words.
"Jaydon I haven't asked you for shit except to be a father. And you couldn't even do that. Your son wants you to come to his birthday party and you can't even come to show your face and be a present parent?" I said with an annoyed tone.
"I don't even know what he look like Krystal! I'm not finna pop up 5 years later" he shouted and I felt my heart drop.
"The fact that you don't know what your son looks like is so sad. If I have to tell my son that his daddy can't make it because he's a deadbeat and he doesn't even know you it will not only crush his heart it will crush mine."
"Krystal..." he trailed off. I wiped my tear and sighed lowly into the phone. "I'm sorry" he said.
On the other line I heard a voice say "daddy" and I immediately changed my whole demeanor.
"Maybe if you come, you can bring all your other kids. You sure as hell are a father to them, come be one to your son" I said then hung up and started the vacuum back up.
"Kye i'm gonna get you so many gifts, I can't wait" I said and he slightly smiled.
"What about the main gift?" he asked me and my smile dropped and he saw it.
"It's okay" he said sounding disappointed and I sucked my teeth.
"Baby no it's not" I said stooping down to his level by squatting. "It's not okay, i'm so sorry that I messed up by not having the right father figure for you. Mommy is doing everything she can for us, and I know it's not a lot but i'm trying, okay?" I said and he nodded then began wiping his tears.
"Why he don't love me?" he said and I let my tears cascade down my eyes and brought him into a hug.
"I love you. That's all the love you need" I said rubbing his back. I pulled away and wiped his tears then kissed his forehead.
"We gone forget all about this and we're gonna have you the best birthday weekend ever okay? Don't cry baby" I said holding his hands and he nodded.
"I love you" he said then brought me into another hug and I closed my eyes feeling the comfort.
"I love you so much more" I said.
As I was sitting on the stairs of my apartment complex I let my thoughts roam. I let Kye go with Trey and Marcus to some car show to cheer him up, while I stayed in the same mood i've been in all day.
I unlocked my phone and went to my contacts then clicked on Lira's name. After two rings she answered.
"Hey girl wassup?" she asked.
"You busy?" I asked her.
....
"See bitch, I told you this shit was gon have you off the walls" she said looking at me with low eyes as we sat on the balcony smoking a wood.
"Girl i'm cooling" I laughed then sat back looking at the sky.
"You wanna talk about it?" she asked me and I looked over at her.
"What makes you think I had something on my mind?" I asked her and she gave me the bitch really face.
"Krystal you don't even smoke girl, what's fucking with you?" she asked.
"Kye doesn't have a present father in his life and I hate that for him. I don't even know how i'm doing this shit by myself... i'm a pretty bitch living in the projects. That shit is dead" I said and she nodded.
"I can help you out—
"Lira no" I said but she insisted.
"Girl I got you, for real. I can set you and Kye up with a whole new spot. My cousin got me and Ja that spot we in right now. I can work some shit out, all he gone ask for is bout 5k and I can get you that just like that" she snapped her fingers.
"Lira that's a lot of money that I don't have to pay you back" I said and she laughed.
"Krystal I got you girl. Ima set you up soon as possible. As for Kye daddy, I say put that nigga on child support. He don't help out or come around, the least he can do is run you your funds every month" she said and I nodded.
"You right" I said then inhaled the weed out my mouth and watched as it went in the air.
"Thank you... where'd you get this?" I asked her looking at the blunt and she smirked.
"I found Ja's stash. Nigga tried to hide it from me" she shook her head and I laughed.
"Maybe he tried to hide it from Lou" I said and she nodded. "True" she said then sat back in her seat.
"I hope you and Dez work out" she said and I slightly smiled. "Me too" I said then passed her the blunt.
"When you think he gone ask you?" she asked and I shrugged.
"I honestly do not know" I said and she smiled.
"It'll be soon, I can feel it" she said then put the wood to her lips.
