The Chessboard | A Bungou Stray Dogs AU

Part 5 - Talk Over Ramen

I was sitting in my room, eating a bowl of hot ramen my mother had made before going to eat with my father. She made it the way I liked it when I was younger, with noting but the hot soup and the curly noodles. I don't know why, but when I was younger, maybe around four or three, I had a fascination with them. I remember picking them up with my chopsticks and going 

"Look Mommy! They are so curly!" as I held up my food. My mother would smile her warm smile and chuckle at me.

"Awww Chuu, hun, please put them in the bowl or in your mouth before they spill," she'd say as she got up from where she sat and help me to eat. How I loved those days. However, as I grew older, I stopped having a fascination over them and my mom eventually stopped making them on a daily basis. Because she had made the soup for me, just for this occasion, it lifted my spirits a little bit. 

I started spooning the noodles and soup into my mouth when I turned to see the door to my room start opening. I hurriedly cleared up some space in my room and tidied up the space near my bed and made a place for where my mother could sit.  She stood in the doorway, smiling lightly. The smile gave a sense of comfort. 

"Hey. You ready to talk?" she asked me from the doorway. I smiled lightly and nodded, patting the space I had made for her on the bed. She nodded and slowly walked over, taking a seat next to me. She smiled when she saw I had started eating the ramen.

"So I see you ate the ramen," she commented, chuckling a bit. I chuckled a bit and nodded in agreement. "Yeah. I was surprised to see it again after such a long time but it brought back good memories." I admitted. She smiled. I always liked when my mom smiled. It made me feel so... safe. 

"Well that's good hun. now.. about today..." she began. i let out a sigh and hung my head down. 

"Mom I didn't know I-" she stopped me by putting her hand on my shoulder. I think she could hear the panic in my voice. 

"Shh... It's ok hun. It's ok. Calm down and explain to me what happened before," she instructed. I nodded and slowly calmed myself by taking in deep breaths. I steadied myself and figured out how to word the first sentence. 

"Well.. i\I was walking through the hallway heading back to my class.. and then I met this guy... His name was.. I think Fyodor Dostoevsky. He told me that another boy I had just met was planning to betray me and I got mad.." I began. I couldn't bear to look at my mother when I said this. However she made no sign of disgust or anger. She only nodded for me to go on.

"I met the boy in the parking lot of the school and beat him.. Beat him like how Osamu Dazai had beaten him.. No mercy." I said harshly. My mom made a surprised gasp at my explanation. 

"Chuuya...." she said in a disappointed tone. "Here it comes," I thought to myself as I waited to be yelled at.

"Who is this Dazai person?" she asked me. I was a bit taken back by her asking who Dazai was instead of yelling but I'll take a question over yelling any day. I then explained who Dazai was. 

"Well Dazai.. is this asshole who acts like he runs the school," I said, a bitter tone in my voice. My mom was a bit angered by my using of curse words. She never really liked hearing the foul language but she said nothing, despite her face contorting into a face of displeasure.

"Well.. is this Dazai a bully?" she asked. I nodded.

"Yeah. He's a bully who likes causing problems for the "lower rank" in his 'kingdom' " I say bitterly, gripping the bed sheets to control myself. My mom shook her head at my response. She rubbed her temples with her fingers and sighed. 

"Just hearing about this is making me sad. Chuuya, are the teachers doing anything?" she asked. I shook my head and sighed.

"They don't care."

My mom sighed and shook her head.

"Well if the teachers are doing nothing.. I can't help you then, well not on a large scale level at least." I nodded slowly. I wondered what my mom would do or say.

"Chuuya listen to me. Did what happened have a certain toll on you?" she asked.  I paused. What happened did make me feel like a monster. I decided to tell her that because she was my mom. What could she do to hurt me from knowing that?

"It.. made me feel like a monster, Mom. Because I-" my mom stopped me from finishing. She gripped my hand tightly and said to me in a stern voice.

"No son of mine is ever a monster. None ever will." she said sternly. I stayed silent.  She went on. 

"You can't let those thoughts beat you down Chuu. You can't. If you do so then your life will go into a downward spiral. It will cause your downfall. Don't let anyone who calls you a monster drag you down."

I stayed silent still but eventually leaned my head against my mother's shoulder. 

"What am I supposed to do for tomorrow, though? Akutagawa, the boy who I beat up, will probably hate me!" I said miserably. My mom sighed and shook her head. She pulled my chin and made me look at her. 

"Its ok Chuuya. If he was truly your friend, he'll forgive you and forget about it. However, if he joins in with the other children and starts to taunt you, leave the area and find a place where you can calm down. That way, there will be no one hurt," she said in her comforting tone. I nodded at her words and smiled weakly. 

"Thanks Mom.. And about Dad.. tell him.. I said sorry and you can explain everything..." I said with an apologetic tone. She smiled lightly and nodded. She got up from the bed and ruffled my hair. Then she did something that I remember from years ago. She motioned for me to lie down and then she tucked me in smiling. She then sat at the corner of my bed again. She ran her fingers through my hair and smiled at me. I smiled back, remembering that this was how she tucked me in at night before bed when I was younger. 

"It's alright Chuuya. Everything will be alright," she said before kissing my forehead and getting up. She left my room and shut the light and closed the door. I smiled absently to myself. "Yeah, Mom's right," I thought to myself, smiling before I went to bed. "Everything will be alright."