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July 1st, 2021 9:00 AM
Dear Jeno,
It's been two months now since you left. I can't stop thinking about the past. It won't leave my head—the flashes, the images, the voices, the feelings. I miss it too much.
It hurts, you know. I have twenty-five years until I can leave this place. But, even if I leave, you won't be there. You won't be waiting for me with open arms. You won't be waiting for me to come home. I want to leave this place. I don't think I can wait twenty-five years.
Guilt is eating me alive, Jeno. I don't think I'm even breathing correctly anymore. All the memories I've been repressing are finally coming back, and I can't take it anymore.
I have no willpower to even leave my bed. I have no willpower to eat. I have no willpower to sleep, or shower, or work. I have no willpower to fight back. I have no will to live here anymore. Please, let me come to where you are.
Do I even have the right to go where you are?
I messed up. I know I messed up. You come into my dreams every night to tell me that I was wrong. I'm not innocent. I'm a monster. I'm one of the worst. I can't handle this anymore. I can't even breathe without feeling out of step. I feel like I shouldn't exist.
I want to fly. I want to fly to you, Jeno. But, gravity will only pull back down into the depths. Maybe, that's where I belong.
Let me come to you, Nono. Let me fly. Just once. Just this once.
Ji Hagyeol 지하결
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