The chapters of guilt

Number 2

When you are feeling sad they tell you to write but they never once tell you what to write. Throughout my whole life i've had to smile, to be the good girl, to be the happy one. Yet being happy all the time just isn't possible. Imagine a life where you cant drop your smile, where you cant drop your guard. Where crying on someones shoulder is impossible. A life where if you stop speaking for even a minute people are constantly asking if you are ok. Now that may sound amazing but i cant smile forever. One day it will all crack and this happy little girl will be no more. They will find the rope and the letter i had written years ago. They will find the plan i had made. They will find a body. They will find a lost girl who just isn't ok.

Maybe i dont want to be ok. Maybe every part of my life has gone to hell and no matter how much i try i cant seem to drag it back up. When life is constantly raining you sit and you let it soak you. Every tear shed soaking back into you. Every tear adding to the bowl of sadness. That is not a word i would use to describe how i feel. Sad. Sadness does not sum up how i feel. Sadness does not explain the ridges. I feel numb and emotionless, i feel tired and hurt, i feel drained. Yet a smile must stay plastered. Plastered with glue and concrete.

How do you tell someone who has ever only knows your smile that inside, you don't feel the joy or hope they do. That your hope fell into the abyss caused by "sadness". I will tell you how. You sit there trying not to cry, you sit there as your mum hugs you and makes you promise not to do it again, you sit there. Then very next day you start it all over again.

Blood is red. Red is my favourite colour. I have red hair. Red clothes. My life is coloured the same thing that makes me alive. So why do i crave to see the red under my skin so much. I don't feel a sadness and that isn't what causes my craving. Its the red. The colour that shows im still alive. If i have no one to live for then i shall live for that red. Once that red is no more then i too shall be no more.