WANT // B.E (REWRITTEN)

{40}

tw: self harm

hope's pov
friday, february 19th

it's been about two weeks since billie was sick. that night, we cuddled, watched 'the office,' and just talked.

when i fell asleep, i had another nightmare. i got woken up by it and had a full blown panic attack. billie had eventually calmed me down, but it took me a while to get back to sleep.

i hate that i keep having these nightmares. i'm over madeline. i've been over her.

but i'm not over what she did to me.

i'm not over her bloodied and scarred wrists that she blamed me for.

i'm not over her cheating on me constantly for over two years.

i'm not over her manipulating me.

i'm not over the countless nights i spent crying over her.

i'm not over what she did to me.

i don't get why in just now having these nightmares though. we've been broken up for over eight months. i've been over her and completely fine for the past five or so months.

but as soon as she came back, it's almost like i'm still in that toxic relationship with her.

the sunday after billie was sick, i went to josh's house for the first time to check it out. it has two stories, six bedrooms, and two bathrooms. it was honestly really nice.

after he gave me the tour of his house, he introduced me to his friends, and then we just hang out. by that time, it was too late for me and aidan to drive back home, so we just stayed the night.

i ended up facetiming billie, because i can't get to sleep unless i'm cuddling with her or i hear her voice. she sang me to sleep and it sounded really good, as always.

the song she sang was interesting. it was about someone who was in love, but the person they were in love with, didn't love them back. it was one of those songs where it was almost like it physically hurt.

i've been meaning to ask her about it, but we've both been really caught up in school work.

right now though, we don't have any, so i can finally ask her.

i straddled her lap. "hey, bil?"

"yes, my love?" she raised an eyebrow as she placed her hands on my waist.

"remember that song that you sang to me when i was at josh's house? did you write it from an actually experience or was it just made up? you don't have to tell me, i'm just curious."

she hesitated for a moment before letting out a sigh. "it was from an actual experience. it isn't written in my point of view though; it's from the perspective of someone that i hurt."

"oh." my eyes widened slightly.

"it was a girl," she started. "she was always trying to hangout with me. she'd do all kinds of shit to impress me. i never really paid her any attention though. i— i never wanted a relationship before you."

"i'd always look at her like she ss see through. i hurt her a lot. one day, she confessed her feelings for me and i just... laughed in her face." she frowned.

"and she's not even the only person i did this shit to. i never really paid people who liked me that much attention."

she took my hands in her's. "i never wanted to fall in love... but then i met you. when i saw you, i felt something i'd never felt before. i had this odd feeling to just... protect you..? and i wanted you. i-i still want you, of course though!" she quickly clarified.

"i'd never wanted something so bad in my life until i met you. i honestly thought i would never get you, but here we are," she smiled as she met my eyes. "i got everything i wanted with you."

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end of story
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a/n told you i would finish it tonight ☝️😌

FINALLY finished this mf 😭

i love this one wayyyy more than the original

i don't cringe every time i read it 😍

okay i'm going to sleep now, it's 2am

i'll start working on my new book tmrrr. i don't know when i'll publish it tho

anyways

i love you, please take care of yourselves

words:
720