A look inside of my mind and how Depression and Anxiety plague my thoughts and feelings.
For those who understand.
For those who want to understand.
❗️-Trigger Warning-❗️
• Dark thoughts/themes
• Mental illness
• Self-harm
• Substance abuse
I've been depressed for over 9 years. It never goes away. It comes in many phases; It's basically in between really bad and content... somewhat.
Never happiness.
It's painful to think about because what normal human being doesn't want to feel happy? I want to experience genuine happiness so badly it hurts my soul.
I wish it were as easy as snapping your fingers. I wish something, ANYTHING, could make me happy. Nothing ever does. I believe that it must be the wiring in my brain.
I'm defective.
For 9 years, my depression has infiltrated my brain, my heart, and my soul.
As for the phases, it comes in intervals of several months at a time, every year.
The worst is when I don't want to get out of bed and do anything at all other than read. Reading is an escape that I can't seem to get enough of, to the point where it has become blatantly unhealthy. I don't feel like exercising, leaving the house, cooking, socializing... Nothing except reading.
I ignore social media and completely sever any connections I have, inadvertently hurting other people's feelings. I isolate myself from everything and anyone.
It hurts. I feel useless and hopeless. I feel like a failure. I'm a disappointment to everyone around me. I'm useless.
However, during this phase, I'm mostly numb. The negative emotions are at the back of my mind, but they're still there, lingering in the background.
Basically, I feel nothing, with a soft underlying tone of sadness.
I'm not able to feel anything. I just feel like I'm there but I'm still aware that I'm sad.
It's my best defense mechanism that keeps me from feeling completely and utterly hopeless and agonizingly sad. It keeps me from being self-destructive and crestfallen.
Feeling so sad and lost that I can actually feel it in my bones, through my veins and in my head. It's like there's a tangible, black fog that's suffocating my heart and my lungs. It'll keep tightening until I feel myself gasping for air, until it slowly cracks and completely shatters my heart. It hurts.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I can't repeat it enough: it hurts.
It hurts It hurts It really hurts...
The last time I genuinely smiled was over 9 years ago. Something so seemingly simple but yet unobtainable. I feel trapped.
I'm in an inescapable cage and the key to unlock it doesn't exist.
Past that cage is a giant, opaque wall that to this day, I still haven't been able to get past. Do I climb over it? Go around it? Or perhaps I pull a Miley Cyrus and come in like a wrecking ball and break my walls to reveal the future I could never see for myself.
—
The middle phase is just plain numbness. I'll go about my daily life, getting tasks done and so on. Im not happy and I'm not sad. I'm nothing. I feel like a robot.
This phase doesn't last long. It's sort of like the yellow light at an intersection. It's lit up for the least amount of time to quickly transition from green to red. Red represents the worst phase. Green represents the best one. —
The best phase is being content. I feel more confident, exercise daily, go outside everyday and walk my dogs. I spend time with my family and cook dinner most nights of the week. I keep in contact with people and socialize more. My motivation rises as well as my determination. I'm not ever happy, but I'm working on it.
In this phase, I try. —
Nothing ever lasts... except mental illness. It will always plague me like an addiction. A recovering addict will always be tempted to smoke another cigarette, have another bottle of alcohol, shoot up another dose of heroine or maybe pop a few more pills, etc.. The temptation can be too much sometimes and they'll fall back into old habits, ruining there lives and damaging their minds all over again. For some people, it will take several attempts to finally break their habit, but no matter what, they'll always be an addict and life will be a little harder for them than non-addicts. I will always be tempted to give into my depression and give up trying. I will always have to work twice as hard, if not more, to succeed in life. My depression will never go away, but in the future I hope that I'll be able to resist the urge to fall back into negative habits when I go through a rough phase. To keep climbing when I feel like ground beneath me will crumble and continue to look upwards and grab onto anything to keep myself up and continue climbing. I hope.
