hana beauty

chapter 3

I wake up to the sound of someone crying. I turn my head to see who and I freeze seeing hoshi curled up in a ball crying. I get up and ask what happened and she just tries to shrink more into my blanket and hides her face. 
 
She won’t speak so the best i can do is make her feel safe.

I turn on her favorite show she likes and go to her room. As I open the door to it  my eye’s scan for violet purple. As I see the color I go up to it and grab the way to the big, hoodie that I know all too well isn't hers but her brothers and give it to her and she just holds it for a while. I leave again but come back with her favorite manga that has comfort charters of hers in it and in her favorite art style.

She takes the book and starts from the right and reads to the left. I can see her hassle eye’s tracing the little figures on the pages as she turns to the next page. 

I hate it when she cries. Her brother died 3 month ago due to hanahaki and died in her arms so she doesn't let anyone touch her. She didn’t even know her brother found love until she couldn’t feel his pulse anymore and saw the white petal of a chrysanthemum’s fall stained with a little red plasma on the side running down the petal like a raindrop running down a car window.

A couple minutes later she stops crying only to start laughing when I come in the room and slips on one of her drawing pencils. I fall on my back but get up quick and brush myself off pouting like a little kid for her laughing at my pain. She only starts laughing more and then starts to hold her sides from laughing too much.  

I roll my eyes and ask her to talk about what happened. She  just smiled and said “I saw him again.”  And she told me about her brother from how strong he was to his favorite color. His favorite movie and his favorite sport. 

“My brother was a good man 2 years older, had curly brown hair that never sat right. Green eyes like yours, and always gentle. He fell in love with his girl best friend who only became friends with him to get with his teammate.” she paused and looked me in the eyes then started to speak again. “I saw him at night in my dreams. He was in his favorite hoodie and we were watching a movie and eating ice cream like we did when I was in middle school. Everything was fine until suddenly I saw that petal falling down and the blood dripping off of it like it was in a race to get to the floor. And that’s when I woke up.” she smiles a little and looks at the hoodie

Suddenly she asked “I can feel him looking over me when I wear this hoodie and his cologne. I know it sounds childish but i want to be with him anyway i can. I don’t want his memory to fade with me, you know?” “Yeah I get it '' I said as I looked at the moon slowly leaving view and the sun rising up. “I hate the sun'' I say under my breath a little too loud. She chuckles and starts to doze off again and I turn off the movie and do the same since it’s saturday. 
I woke up again around 1 and we decided to go get some food from the restaurant down the street on the corner. She leaves to her room to change and I'm the first one out sitting in the living room. She comes in wearing the purple hoodie that goes down past her thighs and a pair of leggings and some boots. I can’t help but smile at how she looks. I walk up and move a piece of hair out of her eyes and she smiles.

She grabs my hand and runs down the hall dragging me with her. We finally get there and eat while talking. She moves my hat and takes it off my head and starts running with it on her as I'm chasing her to get my hat. As she’s running I can see as if in slow motion she's running into someone. And not just someone but someone from my highschool. I grab her hand and help her up we apologize and start walking when hoshi hears

“So you did find someone after all.” “what are you talking about?” “what she didn’t tell you?” this is bad really bad what does she want. “I mean she found another girl like her.” as she says that she leaves 

Hoshi looks at me and I smile. Hoshi doesn't know i like girls and i don’t want her too. As i thought that i started to have trouble breathing. Not because I was choking but I just couldn’t breath. Then I started to taste the familiar taste of blood. I tell hoshi i need to pick something up and i'll meet her at the apartment. She just nods obviously and walks away happy skipping and humming to the song she’s listening to through her earbuds with her still having my hat on. 

I started coughing up blood for two weeks now and the flowers are going to come soon. But for me I can't tell her because she isn’t like me. And I know she only thinks of me as a friend. She likes guys I know because she was so happy last night when she got asked out by her best friend of two years and she returned his feelings. 

I'm not going to stop her. And she won't be able to help me to stop this anyway. I grab my sides as I fall to my knees, coffing. “I'll see you soon sis.” but not before my neckless of a moon hit the floor. People fear what they do not know and for me I guess i don’t know what love is or how to show love to someone. As i grew up i love you always meant i'm sorry or don’t go. But now I realize that was not love but an excuse. My knees are bleeding from the floor and I can feel the sting. A takst of blood in my throught. I can’t help but curl into myself like a little kid who was kicked. 

Yes i love her but she will never love me. And i can not make her fix me for she did not break me. So why should she stay and get cut by the broken edges. I start to feel petals in my throat and the taste of blood on my tongue. But I still will not give in not yet. I saw how my perents were and how my mom would cry so why did I still fall. When I knew the caust it would have. 

I always followed the rules and I always distance myself from people to not get attached. But I decided to stay when everything inside me screamed for me to leave. I still staved only for me to be on the floor in pain. I should've listened to my parents when they said I couldn't be loved and now I'm paying for it with my life, but was it so wrong for a kid to want to be loved. Especially by her parents. Everyone called me a monster so why was I surprised when she chose him. No one has ever chosen me. So why would she.  A thing that was sopost to make a kid happy to hear I would flinch at it because I knew it just meant another lie. Is that all what love is? A word to make you feel special but end up hurting you even more in the end. What am I thinking? I know it’s not. It’s stay when everything leaves or stay when you know you'll end up on the floor bleeding. It’s fall and noticing everything about them. Like their smile or their dimples or even how they put their hands in their pockets. It’s loving everything about them and still not being able to blame them when they cut you down because it was your own foolishness that fell for them and it was never their problem to deal with. 

This stupid excuse for a heart. I've been fine with distances myself before. I always left so why couldn't I have then. Why now why her. Especially a her of all people  it had to be a her. I can see it now. Tadashi Lee died from hanahaki after falling for her girl roommate. Because I totally need more reasons for everyone to hate me.

I feel the petals in my throat slowly rising as I start to lose my vision. I always had walls and my guard up but that’s the very thing that hurt me. But now I'm free of the pain, the loneliness and of being unloved. The very thing that hurt me was my only mechanism against this world. 

I coughed for the last time and my head hit the floor only to see the beauty of a sunset orange and yellow flower fall stained with blood but a beauty nonetheless. I watched as the blood ran down the petal like a rain drop on a car. Ive always hated my DNA but there was only one thing tying me to it and that was my sister. Yes I am free now from myself and the flower shows it in the color of the petals. Even the flower means freedom, and that I am. Free from everyones jugment from my parents and from someone who will never love me. I hope you find a new roommate. One who won’t fall for those beautiful eyes of yours and end up like me. And as for me, Luna I found my sun. I'm coming home to the stars.